Sanity Check: You, sir, are an asshole, but I love you.

Greetings, nerdy-pants!

Today, we're going to be talking about some stuff on the dangle-y genitalia front.  We've already talked about girlfriend hysteria, but we have yet to talk about the forces that drive it, outside of some girls just being down-right bat-shit.  I feel like one of those intro-series professors that just kind of tell you that polar molecules dissolve in water, but refuse to explain why.  Gentlemen, there was no way you were going to get away with me not talking about your contributions to our hysteria.  We're talking about how not to suck at being a boyfriend today, so put on your big-boy pants, dearies; this is gonna get ugly.

Mind-Fucking in Silence

Sorry if I just scarred you for life.

I don't get it guys.  How do you think that you're going to maintain, let alone foster a new relationship if you can't manage to check your phone every once and a while?  Ladies, I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about right now.  You get one text somewhere around 11 AM in response to your texts from the day before, then maybe again at 11PMish if you're lucky, and nothing else until the next day.  Gentlemen, the best part about relationships, for us at least, is being able to share our lives and experiences with you.  When you give us the silent treatment by never picking up your phone or never returning texts, we start to wonder where your priorities lie, and eventually start to assume that you really don't like us as much as you claim to.  This may seem clingy or nit-picky, but let me put it this way...what if something happened to me?  What if, for example, I got hit by a car?  What would happen if the hospital that was treating me decided to call the first person on my "preferred contacts" list and you didn't pick up?  You would have NO IDEA that I could be fighting for my life in some ER triage bay.  It would be the one time that I would absolutely want you there, and you wouldn't have a clue.  Obviously, this example is a bit extreme, and guys, I'm not asking you to graft your phone to the skin of your palm or anything.  I'm just asking that you check it every couple of hours.  Otherwise, we're going to start getting neurotic, and you will be left wondering why we're being so bitchy about communication.

Making Me Your "Honey Fuzzy Snuggly Bear"

Taylor's got the right idea here.

Fuck you and your nick-names.  Seriously.  This goes for men and women.  I think the most I can take is someone calling me "darling" or "dear".  Every fucking time I see a status update on Facebook that says something about someone else "doing something with their cuddly bunny honey (UNNECESSARY FRIEND TAG)" I want to throw up in their face just so their exterior can match how disgusting their behavior is.  That's right, I literally want to blow chunks right into your eye orbital.  It gets kind of weird when a couple refuses to use the other person's name as well...it's like you're almost losing your identity in those over-used nick-names you call each other.  It also kills me inside when two mature people meet, hit it off, get into a relationship, and then feel the need to drop their conversations down to the level of blithering baby talk at each other.  W.T.Fuck, mate?  You're intelligent adults.  Have an adult conversation.  Or you could have an ADULT conversation, and things will get interesting real fast, if you get my drift.


Last-Second Rain-Checking
This might be just me, but I honestly cannot grow to hate someone faster than when they are continually late to things.  The only thing worse than being tardy all the time?  Not telling us about it.  If you're gonna be late, fine: shit happens.  If you're going to be over an hour late and leave me in a busy coffee shop looking like a complete bitch cuz I keep fending people off from taking your seat that you never end up claiming?  Total dick move.  If it gets habitual, guys, we really start to wonder if you actually want to do things with us other than stick a certain eel in a certain cave.

Becoming King of Passiva Aggressiva 
Honestly, gentlemen, some of you are bigger girls than we are about this issue.  If we ask you if something's wrong, TELL US for godsakes, ESPECIALLY if you're going to get all miffed if we go "oh never mind" when you ask us.  The hypocrisy is so thick I can cut it with a knife.  My favorite is when I'm dating a guy, and the clearly pointed Facebook statuses come out.  Oh good god.  I will be shamelessly straight-forward with you, and if you want to play mind-games, you can find another match-player because I won't deal with it.  Trying to read the motivations behind your thoughts was fun in high school...maybe...but at this point in my life, I don't have time to be playing testicular clairvoyant.

The Ultimate Sin
Don't stand a girl up.  Please.  Just don't.

The sanity check?  Boys, honest communication will solve all of your problems.  Be respectful, be open.  Don't do anything you would get frustrated with yourself.  Do unto others and yadda yadda yadda.  You know how to be a decent human being.  Ladies, you can avoid the frustration of these situations by being strong enough to NOT date guys who treat you like that.  Shouldn't you both want to be in a loving, caring relationship wherein both parties respect each other and treat each other as such?  Moral of the story here, you ask?

Just bang and make up for godsakes.

Next weeks' subject: How to lose friends on Facebook.

Until next time, dweebs <3