Inn Perspective: I'd like to check-in to your pantalones.

Hello to you, my fellow smartypants university-type people!  Welcome to another installment of "Inn Perspective" on TPP.

This Week's Subject: People with WAY TOO MUCH game and other awkward advances.

We all have experienced the unwanted sexual advance.  Sometimes it's someone putting that winky-face in an already ambiguously-flavored text, and other times it's a straight firm slap in the ass when you really didn't ask for one.  It's enough to make a girl drop to her knees and scream "IS THERE NO STUDY-BUDDY WHO DOES NOT WANT TO STUDY THEIR BUDDY?!"  The answer is yes, they exist, but you've gotta keep your wits about you because they are few and far between.

Now, normally there are quick ways to shake off a person who's a little too eager to put his eel in your cave or her bun on your sausage, if you get my drift.  I, however, am not as fortunate while I am at work.  You see, I am paid to keep people happy.  I am literally handed $9.20 per hour (I got a raise!) to turn that god-damned frown upside down at any cost.  So this means that when someone decides to get a little fresh with me, I cannot tell them to "fuck off" unless they attempt physical contact.  I have two modes when it comes to harassment like this: "haha I'm kind of busy so I've gotta go" and "BITCH, TOUCH ME AND I'LL FUCK UP YOUR SHIT."  The latter is not so great when it comes to keeping the general public happy, so I normally end up just taking it, smiling, and pretend to be engrossed in some official-looking front desk task on my computer.  The sound of rapid typing must be a real boner-shrinker because it usually does the trick.  Now, I usually have three types of people try to pick me up at the desk...


The Cute 20-Something Year Old

So cute and charming, but so hopeless.

These are my favorite.  Sometimes they DJ for our lounge, sometimes they're just up visiting the university or are down from Canada.  I don't know what it is, but our hotel attracts really good-looking men in my age-range.  You know, sometimes they flirt or flash me a smile, which is great and all.  I just feel a little bad every time I shoot 'em down since I'm happily taken.  Plus, it doesn't make any sense.  I see him once every like...3 hours maybe, and I'm on an 8 hour shift with a lot of crap to do.  Even if I was single, flirting at the desk just isn't logistically feasible.  Oh well, if he's up visiting the university, I'm sure he'll find a freshman who's a little more receptive to his advances...and his cock.  There's always that.


The CEO
We get a shit-ton of business people at our hotel simply because we have the conference space.  I literally cannot go a day without checking in someone in a business suit and dress shoes.  Normally, they're pretty tired, rather jet-lagged, happy to have their little breakfast vouchers for the morning, and tromp up to their room without another word.  Maybe they come back down to have a quick drink before crashing for the night.  Other than being a little short with me at check-in just because they're about to collapse under the weight of the paperwork in their briefcases, they don't make a lot of fuss.  In and out, that's it.  (That's what she said.)

Creepy CEO says "I'd like to fly my private jet into YOUR hangar."

But every once and a while we get the big shot CEOs, specifically the ones who wear diamond rings on each hand and who are disgustingly aware that they have lots and LOTS of money.  Typically, I hate the phones because they distract me from helping guests, but I never want them to ring more when I smell expensive cologne and freshly printed custom business cards at the desk.  My main problem with these guys is that they think they're entitled to my affection BECAUSE they have so much dough.  Excuse me, but your wad of cash still doesn't change the fact that you are a) an eye-sore, b) 50-something when I am 20, and c) A TOTAL CREEPER.  Oh my GOD, I've had these guys coyly tell me, "Well, you know where I'll be" and "Now why couldn't a pretty little thing like you check me in yesterday?"  Or even better..."So...what are you doing after your shift?  I'd LOVE to take you to that restaurant you suggested to me."

EW.  Ew ew ewwwwwww.  *shudders*  The only revenge I get with these guys is when they ask to buy me a drink after my shift, to which I respond bluntly with "I'm allergic to alcohol" and slip into the back-room without saying another word.


The Drunk or Desperate Soccer Dad/Biker/etc.

HAWT.

We just got out of prime high school soccer tourney season, and I'm so glad it's over.  Apart from the screaming children, pubescent boys checking me out, and their anal-retentive parents, I have to deal with the dads who go to get drunk in our bar after ditching their kids in our pool.  They come by the desk, red in the face, and start making sloppy passes at me--commenting on my hair, makeup, eyes, etc.  Luckily, these guys are pretty simple to get rid of as drunks are easily distracted.

But then there are the bikers.  And I'm not talking Harley-Davidson...I'm talking bicyclists.  We have two major bike rides that run through town, and I swear to god, all of the riders stay in our hotel.  One day, I think I saw enough material on these spandex warriors to satisfy the entire decade that was the 80s.  Regardless, I had one of them who was being really forward.  I finally got rid of him, sent him to his room, and 15 minutes later, he comes back down with nothing but his bike shorts on.  GROSS.  You're sweaty, disgusting, and the ass of those tights give you frog but and force my eye to your tightly constricted package.  Fucking gross.  There is nothing attractive or suave about that.  I don't care if you just biked 200 miles.  Your stench does not impress me.


The Conclusion:
Some people, men and women, have way too much game.  Either that or they haven't quite figured out that they exited their 20s about 30 years ago.  Or they think it's hella sexy to date someone so young that they could be their son/daughter.  Whichevs.  I know that personally, I would only ever reciprocate a shitty pick-up line to one man, specifically from the cast of Love Actually:

For those of you who haven't seen the movie and are thus not chuckling to yourself, that movie will only serve to make you uncomfortable.  Perfect.  So how the heck do we avoid this?  How do you turn down someone with way, WAY too much in the awkward sexual advances department?  Worse still, what are you supposed to do if this person happens to work with you?


The Resource

She's really REALLY not interested.

First of all, let it be known that I have been in the situation mentioned in the previous sentence.  If you feel uncomfortable with things that coworkers are saying, you need to first tell them very frankly that it makes you uneasy.  If they continue, DO NOT WAIT to tell your manager.  It's not going to stop, trust me.  The longer you let it happen, the more "okay" they think it will be.  Your boss HAS to address the issue, lest he or she face lawsuits if you so choose to do so.  Sexual harassment is very real and ruins lives.  For more information, click here to access the US Equal Opportunity Commission's resources.

If you're just not jibing with what that "cool cat" is laying down, there are ways to let a man or woman down gently.  Mostly, you just have to be honest and respectful.  Tell them something you like about them and--this is important--that you value their friendship.  If they still don't get the hint and continue to be very forward about it, feel free to be rude.  Need more ideas because you're not comfortable being that forward?  Look no further.


Gentlemen, and ladies, it is NEVER OKAY to make someone feel uncomfortable with your advances.  If you are aware that it's happening, you need to back the fuck off.  I know the movies and TV make it seem so normal to approach a complete stranger in a coffee shop, but they also make it seem perfectly commonplace for mass-murders to be solved in 24 hours or for a single man to gun-down a team of 20.  If you're going to flirt with someone you don't know, you're going to have to be subtle and very casual with it.  Most importantly, though, let them invite you to their table.  That way, they are still in control and you are not being a down-right creeper.  Heck, you might even get laid, my hyper-cephalized friend!

Next Week's Subject: How to make customer service agents and other "people people" happy.


That's all folks!

Until next time, dweebs <3