Defeating "The Latte Troll" and Other Monsters

We all have our vices.  For some, it's really good chocolate, for others it's fun cocktails.  Personally, I am irrevocably addicted to coffee, specifically the drinks that make me look like a complete high-maintanace tool when the barista announces my "grande dirty chai with vanilla soy and an extra shot" or my "double tall half-sweet bananna mocha with cinnamon" after I've shelled out $7 for my temporary caffeine jolt paired with a sweet sweet endorphine rush. 

Obviously, this really hurts my pocket-book, but damn it I am a coffee connoisseur and the leader of an impromptu coffee group, so I will have my drink and like it too!  So how am I to afford this and defeat my latte troll that has been preying on the poor, innocent pennies simply trying to survive in the vast barren fields of my billfold?



I think I could kill someone with the amount of punch-cards I have.



I go all Chris Brown on that bitch and beat it down one punch at a time.  No, I'm not hitting my baristas and giving them black-eyes for my brews.  I'm talking punch-cards, people...lots and lots of punch-cards.  In fact, I ask every single coffee shop I go to if they have a "frequent buyer" program.  Sometimes I have to add yet another card to my special punch-card pocket, but other times, it is as simple as giving them my name and my phone number to be entered in their computer system.  Not only that, but they quickly learn your name and toss you a bone from time to time with a free flavor or something like that.

Now that you have your shiny new weapon, let's learn how to use it, young grasshopper.  First, figure out just how many drinks you need to get to the free one.  Understand that you really have to adhere to this rule to make it worthwhile: ONLY BUY DRIP COFFEES OR AMERICANOS until your free drink goes into effect.  Then hit them with all you can muster for the most complicated, most expensive, large-sized drink they've got.  They technically have to give it to you.  I think my high score is getting about a $10 drink for free.

Second weapon that applies to all other vices?  FOURSQUARE.  Your pocket-book monsters won't even know what hit them.  Yes, I can see them experiencing their fiery drawn-out deaths as we speak.  Now, this necessitates a smartphone, so please be aware.  First, download Foursquare on the Android or iPhone marketplace, or you can set up an account here.  Next, elect to share your check-ins with your friends on Twitter, Facebook, or both.  You run the risk of looking like a complete technology-head and revealing your addiction to the world, but really...your friends aren't going to be surprised.  They might even jump on the bandwagon.

To use Foursquare, you open the app and hit "Check-In".  Your phone will find your location and businesses nearby using your GPS.  Once you have found the venue that you are in, select it and check-in.  So what's the benefit outside of giving your super-stalkers quite possibly the easiest way to find you?  Well, it also gives your friends a means to meet up spontaneously...and there are the loyalty specials.

For example, a coffee shop that I frequent offers a free size upgrade with every 3rd check-in.  So, I get a medium americano for the price of a small (awesome), AND it counts towards my punch card (even MORE awesome).  Other shops offer 50% off baked goods, etc. between certain hours or after x number of check-ins.  Also, other venues still will offer a "mayor privilege", which only applies to the person with the most check-ins at that specific location for the month.  Hell, I've seen free appetizers at restaurants go to the mayor with every check-in, so it's definitely worth it. 

Thirdly, to use as a kick while your monster is down, a bunch of the universities out there issue a semester-long or quarter-long coupon book for local businesses.  Utilize it to your advantage.

Lastly, the final nail in the coffin, there is no shame in asking for a student discount pretty much anywhere you go.  Half the time, these businesses have one and are just not telling you about it.  For example, I went to go get a haircut at a salon and was looking at a $35 trim.  Student discount?  Dropped it down to $25!  People know we don't have much money, and because they still want our business, they're willing to do special things to secure it.



For those of us who are origami-ignorant, it's a fucking tank.  ^_^

I've equipped you well for your re-entry to the line of fire, my hyper-cephalized generals.  May you look upon your battlefield when combat is over and have your vision filled with the image of beasts strewn about the blood-soaked ground of your pocket-book, and may your warriors in their coin-adorned armor stand proud in this epic fight between monetary giants. *heroic music*

Until next time, dweebs. <3