The FINAL Inn Perspective: Diamond Member Syndrome

Hello to you, my hyper-cephalized friends!

I have good news and bad news for you, my lovely lovely readers.  The good news is that I got myself a new job working front desk for a tennis and fitness club in Bellingham!  The bad news, however, is that this will mark the final Inn Perspective on TPP.  *insert mournful weeping here*  But fear not!  My people-watching ventures will continue.  I very much enjoyed writing my scientific article on P. peoplus, so I'm going to continue in that same vein with a new section that I am going to dub "The Field Guide", which will reveal to you the amazing variety of species that comprises the world we live in.

And so begins the final Inn Perspective.  This week's subject: "Diamond Member Syndrome"

I DEMAND YOU BUILD ME A ROOM ON THIS SOLD-OUT NIGHT OR ELSE I'M NEVER STAYING WITH YOUR HOTEL AGAIN!11!  *wargarble*

Understanding Bitchycuntosis, or "Diamond Member Syndrome": What is it?

He is an inbred, ugly mother-fucker.

Bitchycuntosis, commonly known as Diamond Member Syndrome, is a retroviral infection that can spread through the alveoli of the lungs to the bloodstream to any organ in the body, most notably the soul. The virus itself lies dormant in most corporate buildings and rich households, waiting for direct passage into prospective CEOs and beneficiaries.  It first anchors to the cells in your eyes that give them that little sparkle or glimmer of hope, and as it passes from your tear ducts, down your throat, and into your lungs as you breath the stale greed of the workplace, that light in your eyes dwindles into the very dimness that marks the death of your humanity.  Most people who are exposed to the virus Bitchycunta never develop symptoms, since it usually results in quick immunity in those who actually give a shit about their fellow man. But if the immune system weakens with capitolistic executive greed-- such as in people with CEO positions, those who are naturally weatlhy, or are simply petty bitches--D-member viruses quickly become active within their shriveled respiratory system that chokes on their hypoallergenic-vegan-organic-gypsy-tear perfume or cologne. Once it invades the frontal lobe of the cerebrum, In their active state, D-member viruses cause death of tissue in the organs they infect, even the soul. Active Bitchycuntosis can be fatal if left untreated.

What are the Symptoms of Bitchycuntosis?
Many of the common early signs of Diamond Member Syndrome are often misdiagnosed as typical reactions to extreme external stress from the workplace or home-life: 

• Sweating
• Heavy breathing
• Neuroticism over fine details and quality of commonly used products
• Depression and accompanying drop in libido
• Hypertension
• Aneurism, ulcers

However, as the virus begins to degrade the myelin sheath and terminate certain frontal lobe neuronal signaling by disrupting the flow of potassium ions through the axon, psychological symptoms emerge:

• illusions of grandeur, particularly of themselves, the influence of their company, and their bargaining power
• reverse god complex, usually about the abilities of those in the customer service industry
• sudden shift in personality or behavior, which may include but is not limited to adoption of outrageously expensive suits and acessories into the wardrobe, extreme rage, and depression
• acute OCD
• hysteria in which the patient will hear only what they want to hear

In the final stages of the disease, as the virus metasasizes throughout the body, further physiological symptoms are observed along with severe pathology of the soul, which is blatantly evident at autopsy:

• gradual dulling of eyes as glimmer of hope dwindles
• cankles from too many hours sitting in a plane
• carpal tunnel from too much typing (or wanking off in hotel rooms)
• sudden contractions in the "frown muscles" resulting in a paralysis that makes the patient permanently express a grimace
• complete inability to perform satisfactory sexual intercourse
• reduced soul tissue maitenance, growth, and repair resulting in sudden apoptosis

Call a doctor about Diamond Member Syndrome if you suddenly develop an intense requirement for hypoallergenic, vegan, or organic products for no other reason other than you "prefer them".

What are the treatment options for Diamond Member Syndrome?
The only treatment for Bitchycuntosis is to stop being a fucking petty-ass bitch and realize that just because you make a way higher salary than everyone else does not suddenly elevate you above the rest of the human species.  Be rational, be reasonable, and most importantly, TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED.  Otherwise, you will die a horrible painful death as your soul shrinks into nothingness and everyone's eyes pierce your heart with their sharp stares of disdain.

So what have we learned, everyone?



That is all.

Until next time, dweebs. <3