As I see my little sister enter her first year of college, I can only be reminded of what my first experiences living on campus among so many different people were like. I look back on it all and realize one thing...
...I was a complete fucktard.
So I hope to save some of you from this general fuckery by educating you in what I'm arbitrarily dubbing FKTRD 101. I will outline crucial social skills and myths about what you will experience in college. For those of you who have been victims of this, I hope to reduce your need to cleanse yourself with each new batch of freshmen.
Lesson One: Everyone IS NOT Your Friend
You know, I get it. You're going to a new school, there's TONS of people all around you, and you may or may not know that many, if any at all. Personally, I was the only one from my high school on my campus, so It was pretty much "make friends or die". I talked to a lot of people, joined some clubs, tried to make friends when I could. Most freshman have the same experience, and gain companions easily.
But seriously guys, when I see that you've just added 30 new friends on Facebook, I have to laugh. Believe it or not, every single person who actually chooses to humor you with small-talk before a lecture starts IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. Let me put it this way...are you friends on Facebook with that doctor who sewed up your ass when you racked yourself on that chain-linked fence? Don't think so. He made small-talk with you, didn't he? He knows what your favorite book is. Why isn't he your friend?!
Same fucking principle. If you a) can't recall their favorite book/movie/tv show/hobbies/bands or b) haven't made plans to hang out with them before you add them on Facebook, you're not fucking friends. You're acquaintances. Spend your time trying to get close to a handful of people; it's definitely worth the investment.
Lesson Two: Every FRESHMAN WILL Want to Fuck You
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| "Meet Clint! Clint is a ferocious freshman who will take pretty much any vag he can get into." |
New campus + new people = fresh pussy/cock. End of story. Everyone is coming in with high hopes of meeting "the One" (whatever the fuck that means). Hell, I know some religious schools have weird unspoken traditions called "ring by spring" or some bullshit. I'm going to dub this phenomena "The Freshman Desperation" because y'all are horny motherfuckers. I swear to god, it's like whatever hormones you got over by your senior year of high school all came back in a god damned tidal wave and turned your sexual drive dial up to 11. (High five if you got the Spinal Tap reference.)
In your friend-making ventures, certain every day phrases and invitations will certainly turn into something more along the lines of "let's make sloppy mouth babies and bad decisions together in your rickety-ass lofted dorm bed". Phrases to be on the look-out for is "listen to music together", "study buddy", "when your roommate's not over", etc. Then you make out or hook up with them, they stop talking to you two days later, and you can't bump into them on campus without picturing them naked and feeling deep-seeded shame. Ladies, if you don't want to invite it, DO NOT SIT ON YOUR BED when you talk to each other. Sit on the god damned floor, or ideally in separate chairs. Or do what normal people do in college and hang out in groups.
Words of wisdom right here, ladies: "Be not like peanut butter, for it spreads smooth and easy."
Lesson Three: The Honeymoon Phase
If for some reason you actually think you found a guy/girl within the first week of classes, you're an idiot and need to get off your high fucking horse. You are NOT in love with someone you've only physically known for a week. You can't be (or at least it's very very rare). The honeymoon phase in relationships lasts approximately 1 month or less, during which time you will really think you have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with because they are perfect. Wake the fuck up, idiot, cuz everyone has flaws. After that month, you realize that she's kind of a psycho bitch or he's kind of a selfish douchebag and not the love of your life after all. Remember, kids: friends, then benefits.
Lesson Four: The Upperclassmen Hate You
It's really true, and it's not necessarily because you're a bad person. You just don't know jack shit. The following is for your information. YES, you have the read the god damned text book if your prof says reading material will be on the test. DON'T fucking ask "how hard" test questions are; you'll look like an idiot. During class introductions, DO NOT use the phrase "I'm (name) from (location), and I'm SO EXCITED to be here at (university)..." We're only in your class for a graduation credit, and we will want you to burst into flames the second that sentence leaves your lips simply because all of the freshman around you will group-think and decide it's a good idea to keep fucking repeating it. You WILL be screwed over for registration, so deal with it cuz we all did at some point. DO NOT share your life story; no one fucking cares. Oh and remember how it was kind of funny to be facetious in high school? There was a kid in my physics class last year like that, and I had to suppress urges to huck my graphing calculator at his head. Lastly, and most importantly, we DO NOT WANT TO KNOW how many girls/guys you've slept with in the past week, how big his cock was, how huge the hickey is, how perky her tits were, etc. Also, your sexual advances, definitely will not work on us, so keep it in your pants.
If you want to befriend the upperclassmen, act maturely and prove to us that you are not simply a set of genitals with legs hoping to score as much as possible. Show us you have goals and quirks and maybe we can talk.
Lesson Five: Your Roommate's Shit
I don't care what the hell you need. You could need a fucking rubber band. If you do not have EXPLICIT PERMISSION from your roommate to root through their stuff, keep your paws off their shit. They will appreciate it, trust me.
Lesson Six: Sex in the Dorms
Just fucking tell your roommate discretely. He or she will find somewhere to go. And if you're gonna do the very telling "hang a sock/tie on the door" thing, make fucking sure it's going to stay on the damn door. Also, if your bed is lofted, you should always have sex on the floor. Trust me, your neighbors get curious about the "knocking on the wall" at 1 in the morning. Remember, the dorms are cheap-ass rooms. If you can hear your neighbors singing to Lady Gaga or playing a video game in which they successfully invade an enemy fortress, they can definitely hear him invading your fortress.
Lesson Seven: Your First Rager
I'm allergic to alcohol, so my experience with this is limited. However, other than keeping the above in mind, I'd say go with a close (or close-ish) friend and have a cab number to get home with. Oh, and don't be an idiot. There's always that.
This concludes FKTRD 101. I hope that you little baby freshman can take this and not be fucktards your first quarter. If not, you'll learn the hard way just like all of us. I'm just trying to save you the embarrassment of hooking up with the chick who looks like Hagrid from Harry Potter when you thought she looked like Hermione after your 10th shot of vodka.
Tune in tomorrow for the next installment of "It Came from the Interwebz".
Until next time, dweebs <3
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