It Came From The Interwebz: Magical Technicolor Chickens!
Hello to you, my hyper-cephalized companion, and welcome to another edition of "It Came From The Interwebz"! Today we will be talking about Harry Potter spoofs, technicolor chickens, the best cookie recipe of ALL TIME, and a good resource for those of you who are polar opposites from myself and SUCK at giving gifts. The first discovery? Courtesy of my boyfriend...
Emma Watson's Mouth is HUGE.
Seriously, have you seen that thing? I mean, thank God she grew into it, but if you watch The Sorcerer's Stone, I think you can probably hear a god damn echo every time she opens her trap. Anyway, if you'd like to stare into that deep chasm of despair without hearing her forced, horrible acting, you can watch Wizard People on YouTube. My favorite scene:
This guy has a voice equivalent to dropping a spoon in a food processor, and he has taken the time to dubb over the fucking ENTIRETY of HP and the Sorcerer's Stone with his own, mildly obscene narration. I finished watching the movie last night, and I was pretty much dying of laughter by the end of it. Plus, then you don't have to hear Emma Watson or Daniel Radcliff's squeaky-ass voice, which is really nice. You do start focusing on Neville's teeth though, since they are as big and awkward as fucking playing cards. The best little gem of a quote? Check it out:
"Harry's dad blew into him just like everybody's dad does...like a kite of chromosomes on the winds of inheritance."
My inner nerd smiled widely, to say the least. Really guys, even if you hate Harry Potter, you need to watch this. You'll probably need to do it in shifts though...I've heard if you put a man in a room with the narrator's voice playing for more than an hour or so, that man will go insane.
Peeps for Your Peeps
And yes, they are real. (No, I said "chicks" not "tits".) How ever did this mad scientist manage to bring those little marshmallow sugar-encrusted Easter candies to life? Well it sure wasn't by putting them in the microwave, kid, so don't try it. (They do explode though, so maybe do it anyway.) The technique, my fellow smartypants university-type people, is accomplished by injecting a chick's egg with dye. They develop with colored down feathers, which only disappear once their real adult feathers begin to come in.
Personally, I want one of those Easter candy companies to capitalize on this. Can you imagine the tantrums that would be had?? "But MOM, Jimmy got an awesome green-colored chick and all I got was this STUPID CHOCOLATE RABBIT. I WANT THE REAL-LIFE VERSION OF MY RADIOACTIVE HOLIDAY SUGAR PRODUCT, DAMN IT! *war-garble*" You could sell them at $25 or $50 a pop and make a fortune! Maybe I should forget the whole med school thing and start my own highlighter-colored chick farm...
No, not THAT kind of chick.
...or maybe I should just stick with the surgery and leave the neon glow-in-the-dark poultry to the "experts". Definitely a better plan.
Oreos are wondeful; this is simply a fact of life. Oreos dipped in milk are closer to heaven; this is dictated in The Bible---well, mine at least. Chocolate chip cookies are also on the same level as Oreos, and are a full step above them if they are warm and gooey.
But what ever happens when a warm and gooey chocolate chip cookie gets hungry and eats an Oreo? Let's just put it this way, I think if Mother Theresa is eating anything in heaven right now, she's stuffing her goody-goody face with these goodies.
I had the extreme pleasure of trying one of these little blessings when it was fresh out of the oven. My heart literally stopped for a second when its holy deliciousness passed my lips and graced my pallete with its presence. I saw God that day, ladies and gents, I shit you not...and He was one. big. mother-fucking. cookie. If you ever want to marry me, hide the ring in a pile of these cookies. I will say yes no matter who the hell you are. Want to make some? The recipe is what the link of the title leads to!
What to Do If You Are the Fruitcake
My boyfriend's birthday is on the 15th this month. I've had his present picked out for quite a while now and just received it in the mail. I'm also in the process of making him a most excellent card. If you don't know me personally, you should know that I am quite possibly the most epic gift-giver ever. For example, an ex of mine was telling me he was having a bad week, which was right around Valentines Day. So instead of buying him whatever Hallmark crap you buy for an individual with a penis, I went home-made. I took an old school box and filled it with clever items to complete a "Bad Day Kit", typed out a guide, made a card, and delivered it. Other gifts have included a detailed scavenger hunt to find each part of the gift, concert tickets, etc. I know for my current boyfriend's present, I researched for 2 solid hours online before I found something I would be comfortable and confident giving him. Let me tell you something: I don't fuck around when it comes to making the people in my life happy.
But some of you do...or at least seem like you do. I don't know if it's just me, but there are a lot of people in my family who would receive a big fat red "F" on a gift-giving report card. It's not necessarily that you don't know the person well enough, but for some reason you just can't figure out what to get them. I know that old saying reads that "it's the thought that matters", but that is some bull-fucking-shit. If your gift sucks, that thought will be "I was thinking of Natalie Portman's ass in her new movie when I bought this for you, sorry." Let's avoid that, shall we? But how will we do it? My hyper-cephalized companion, I give you SmarterPresents.com:
You enter the recipient's age and gender, and it generates a whole list of ideas for you! Awesome, no? Now, there are some things you should know about getting gifts for girls though. Think of them as little inside tips from me to you, just because I'm concerned for your well-being. First of all, a single flower says "I love/like you", while a HUGE-ASS bouquet says "I don't think you love me so I'm going to over-compensate by giving you a huge pile of something that symbolizes the vagina. Vaginas for everybody!" You do not want to give a vagina to everybody. Also, I'm tired of getting bath shit. I don't do the whole fucking bath-salt-foaming-powder shit. No. And don't you dare try to buy her lotion or perfume if it isn't something she already uses or that she's agreed smells good. She won't ever use it, and it will rot in the back of her bathroom cabinet. Think sentimentally, and consider the whole, not just individual little things that the person enjoys. That is my advice to you.
And there you have it. Tune in tomorrow for a new Sanity Check!
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