Sanity Check: Wet, Sloppy Tongue-Hockey

Why hello there, my dear, horny university-type people!

Welcome to another Sanity Check on The Pocket Protector blog.  Today, boys and girls, we need to consider something that is becoming more and more prevalent on campuses and in public places as the days creep towards the holiday season.  You know, I get it.  It's cold, gross outside, and you're lonely.  You find someone and are so fucking happy that they'll bone you that you need to share that happiness from getting laid on a regular basis with the world.  I completely understand.  But I have a certain bone in mind that I need to pick with you...

This week's subject: PDA (Public Displays of Affection)

Source: The big ball o' hormones that is the high school couple sitting next to me in this cafe. *shudder*

The Insanity:
Let's put things in perspective here...I'm not going to be able to capture all that is PDA in a single blog.  Not one that isn't too long to keep your guys' attention anyway.  On to the categories!

PDA Code Green: Hand-Holding/Pecking/Hugging*
Behaviors encompassed in Code Green are typical of a new couple.  They might hold hands in a restaurant, when they walk, whatever.  She might get a kiss on the nose, forehead, cheek, or quickly on the lips.  There is still a weird embarrassment behind it, and it is all very innocent.  The partners hug/kiss a quick hello and a quick goodbye and that is that.  Personally, I find this type of PDA completely and utterly banal and thus acceptable since it is so commonplace.  Carry on, new lovers!  You're adorable!

*Hugging in an excess of 5 "Mississsippi's" immediately falls into Code Yellow behavior.

PDA Code Yellow: Footsie/Thigh Rubbing
We've seen this in restaurants before, even at movie theaters.  I'm gonna throw excessive cuddling in as Code Yellow behavior as well.  Footsie has never really made any sense to me unless people have a foot fetish...which still makes no sense to me.  You're literally rubbing their leg with your foot in your gross-ass shoe.  How is that sexy?  How is that a turn-on?  Is this supposed to give the guy a preview of what it would be like if you touched his oddly bony, ankle-like dick after your fingers had been 75% amputated after a tragic hand accident?  Or is this touch on the lower half of his body meant to break his stare away from a woman's chest up to her eyes because he's wondering what the fuck she's doing?  Now on the other hand, a hand on a thigh is pretty innocent, but when the guy or girl's hand starts creeping towards "no-no land", my desires slowly creep towards "slap you in the face with shame".  Groping of all kinds should be saved for where I cannot see you, mostly because it QUICKLY transforms into Code Orange behavior below.

PDA Code Orange: Necking/Lap-Sitting/Pocket-Holding

Let's see...can't stand independently?  Hunting for a Skittle deep in its crevasses?  

Let's talk about the fine line between "necking" in public and what I'm about to talk about in Code Red behavior.  The only reason why necking has been classified as a Code Orange is because it quickly devolves into red.  We've all seen this before. You're at a club most of the time, maybe a concert, maybe a movie, and a couple gets a little frisky.  He hugs her from behind, which starts out cute, but then her starts sucking like an OCD patient with a wet vacuum all over her neck.  Ew.  Pocket-holding may occur here if the couple is standing and facing each other, or alternately when they walk down the street.  One partner will slip their hand into the back pocket of the other's pants.  What are you doing?  Checking their ass for lumps?  Making sure it's still there?  Look, if it hasn't run away from your creepy ass yet, it probably isn't going anywhere.  If the couple isn't standing and doing this, they may be lap-sitting.  It's those couples who seem literally connected at this hip because she's CONSTANTLY sitting on him or lying on him or straddling him as if they share some weird hormonal umbilical cord.  We get it; you're banging and happy about it.  But take it from the elementary school teachers, kids...if you don't have enough for the entire class, don't flaunt it in public.  And this is a treat that we really, really don't want a share of.

PDA Code Red: WET, SLOPPY TONGUE HOCKEY

WHAT IS ON HER NOSE?!

Ah yes, Code Red behavior, where you can't really tell where one face begins and the other ends, and the drool trail goes on for miles.  They straddle each other, lock lips like they're bobbing for apples to win a million dollar prize, and shove their tongue down the other's throat as if the tastiest ice cream has been smeared on their partner's vocal cords.  Hell, they may go so far as to share bubble gum, which really should be a mortal sin.  Blatant groping might happen, soon followed by possible indecent exposure if they dare to have sex in a public place (which we will save for a later blog).  Everyone can hear the heavy breathing within a 20-foot radius, and god-forbid they are in a movie theater because those poor souls sitting next to them will be scarred forever.  Unfortunately, this is where a lot of high school couples lie whilst in public.  HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!  Honestly guys, the tidal waves of hormones amuses me to no end, but there should be no reason why the thought of "Oh hey, maybe I shouldn't suck face in front of little kids" doesn't run through your head.  Come on.

The Sanity Check:
Certain PDA can be cute.  But everything in moderation.  Save Code Orange/Red behaviors for when you're in private because doing that in public is fucking indecent and makes everyone around you SUPER uncomfortable.  Mostly because we don't want to imagine you naked, let alone entwined around each other.  Not to mention that it makes the single people around you want to murder you in the heat of your passion.  I think Bon Qui Qui says this best, cuz PDA is...

Now, stop all this fondling business, enjoy your romance, and don't get crazy.  Cuz I might hafta' call securridy on yo ass.

Our Next Subject: "Having Fun Yet?" and other Turns of Phrase

Love ya, dweebs <3