Sanity Check: Girlfriend Hysteria

Hellooooooo Pocket Protector-type peoples!

Welcome to another Sanity Check in this wonderful, magical portal of absolute knowledge that is my ever-so humble corner of the intrawebz.  I know I was supposed to address awkward turns of phrase this time around, but I couldn't come up with enough material to make it enjoyable or worth reading.  Instead, we will be speaking of a phenomenon that I have been observing ever since the girls in my grade stopped believing that boys had cooties.

This week's subject: "Girlfriend Hysteria"

The Insanity:

We've all seen, have experienced, or have been at fault doing the following actions at one point in time or another (unless you've been single this entire time, and if that's the case, I'm terribly sorry).  Primarily what I'm going to be talking about is how girls act while they're in a relationship, but I do want to cover a few things in the flirting stages while I can because they've never made any sense to me...

Text-Fielding

All of us girls are guilty of this.  We find a guy we like, and we start texting or calling him or stalking him on Facebook or chat or all of the above.  The point is that we're NERVOUS AS HELL to say anything that might push him away because he is our one shred of hope in this miserable world that we won't die alone underneath the thin blankets of a bed, void of the warmth of a partner, in a cold apartment abandoned in a lone corner of a desolate urban sprawl...*breathes*  Seriously, though, we're terrified of rejection.  And here is where all of our girlfriends come in!  We might ask them for advice, perhaps read them what we're about to send just to make sure we're not sending any "I want your babies in me RIGHT NOW!" kind of messages in our hormonal sea.  But here's where the problem comes in, ladies...some of you start abusing the privilege.  Seriously...if you're talking about school, NOTHING YOU SAY CAN BE TOO FORWARD.  You are talking about studying for a class with dry material for a grade that may or may not affect you in any way for a professor who you both happen to listen to a few days a week.  There is absolutely nothing kinky, romantic, or awkward about that.  Unless "Hey how'd the test go?" is suddenly referring to his cock inside your vag, that line will always be okay to text someone.

Boyfriend "Clairvoyance"

Ok, ladies, listen to me.  You will NEVER truly know what's going on in his head or his motivations.  Not if you keep trying to read into everything he says/does anyway.  It's fun to think about it, but if you start reading into things too much, you're going to kill yourself obsessing over them.  It shows when you've been doing that too, and it leads you down a very slippery slope of assumptions that could always turn out badly.  If you really want to know what's up, ask him.  I don't know why some girls are so afraid of asking their boyfriends about their actions or their words.  If you can't communicate effectively, I'm sorry, but you're relationship is not going to last.

Text-Whoring

Once you've gotten into the relationship, you should hypothetically just casually continue the conversations you were formerly in as if nothing happened.  Instead, a lot you seem to blow this completely out of proportion.  I don't know if it's simply the knowledge that his ass is officially yours or if it is the assumption that he is obligated to heed your every beck and call, but Zombie Jeebus, you do not need to be texting him every waking second of every day.  And, NO, if he doesn't text you back immediately, it doesn't mean that he suddenly doesn't want to be with you anymore.  Just because you don't happen to have a life outside of your relationship and cant' seem to gather self-worth unless it is tied to someone else doesn't mean that he isn't capable of either.  Calm the fuck down for fucking fuck-sake...fuck.

Split-Personality

There's nothing that irritates me more than watching two people get into a boyfriend-girlfriend situation and then turn into completely different individuals personality-wise.  What is the point of even getting into a relationship if you can't be who you really are?  Why would you want to hang around with a person who can't accept your flaws or who you feel that you need to hide parts of yourself around?  Eh? How does that make sense?  Be UNASHAMEDLY weird and individualistic, ladies; it goes a long long way.  Another characteristic of split-personality is how some of you (I was like this once) seem to FREAK OUT the entire time you're not together.  You bitch and moan about how "he doesn't pay attention to you enough" or how "he's mean" or some other negative bullshit, and then instead of addressing the problem when you get a chance, you act all lovey-dovey like nothing ever fucking happened.  If there's a problem, you actually have to try to fix it.  Logic, much?

Eros ad Nauseum

Imagine your trachea stuffed completely full of these.  DON'T TEMPT ME.

This is a message to both genders.  I really don't need or want to see your mushy-ass Facebook wall posts to each other, and I don't need you guys doing daily shout-outs to each other.  You already spend every waking moment with each other, are disgustingly adorable in public as it is, and are clearly happy, so please stop turning your social networking life into a Kay Jewelers commercial.  Keep it private please.  And STOP TAGGING your significant other in everything that you do; Mary mother of fuck, people, there's more to life than just being grossly romantic.  Also, any more than one "<3" is overkill, and you may not use the "<3" if it is following an "xx" or "xoxo".  If you do, I will find you, and make you asphyxiate on Valentine sweet-hearts...mark my words.

Next Week's Subject: The Internet's Most Annoying Facebook Users

Until next time, dweebs <3