Oo Yeah Baby, Stimulate My Throbbing...Economy

Hello, fellow smarty-pants university-type people!

As you all wake up from your food coma, with hazy images of turkey meat, cranberry sauce, and countless pieces of pumpkin pie flashing before your eyes, you surely have your game face on.  You know what today is.  You know THIS is the day that you can get your shit.  All of it.  And no, we're not talking about drugs or child support, people.  This is your official Black Friday blog! (click for appropriate epic music)

I think it's safe to say that today is quite possibly the only day of the year that you can witness people quite literally BEING KILLED for 15% off a CD at Target.  I shit you not, guys; Black Friday kills 550 people annually, most of those deaths being from trampling...And here I was thinking we were in a recession.

Oh wait, we are.  Yeah...so why are people lining up outside of stores so they can spend HUNDREDS of dollars after they have spent a good chunk of money on their Thanksgiving feast?  My answer?  People are dumb.  Really dumb.  Let's talk about a few different kind of Black Friday shoppers, deals, and promotions.

I stand corrected...

Shopper Type 0: The Non-Believer

Quite possibly the most sane of all Black Friday shoppers, but also quite possibly the most annoying.  These are the people who publicly rant about today on Facebook/Twitter, or whereverthefuckelse.  I'm honestly surprised an "Occupy Black Friday" protest hasn't cropped up yet.  At the most extreme, Type Zeds are so vehemently against this consumerist holiday that they refuse to buy ANYTHING this day.  Personally, I think that's a little...well...idiotic.  If you need food, you've gotta get food.  And besides, if you are really so against the capitalist regime, why do you even partake in Christmas?  Why haven't you declared yourself a Communist or a Socialist and planted your own organic farm and raised your own cattle and woven your own clothing?  Oh yeah, cuz that's hard as fuck.  Do us a favor and stop being a hypocrite, Type 0 extremists.  You buy shit year round.  The sudden influx when something goes on sale should neither surprise, nor abhor you.  

Shopper Type 1: Cyber Lurker

Until this is acceptable in public, I'm not going out on BF...Partly because I want to do this, partly because I want to see this.

Yet another rational member of the Black Friday shopping race.  Type 1 shoppers refuse to physically go out to the stores today, but instead do all their massive amounts of shopping from their home online.  I like to consider myself a Type 1, and I love being a Type 1 for a few reasons.  First of all, nothing is better than NOT HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE PUBLIC.  Seriously, from someone who works customer service for a living, there is nothing I like more than finding a way to avoid people and their stupidity and pettiness.  Secondly, no bitching and clawing for things (i.e. no risk of physical injury).  Nobody has ever been killed or injured from Cyber Monday, except for maybe a case of Carpal Tunnel. If something's out of stock, it's out of stock.  Look elsewhere or get over it.  Lastly, when your shit actually arrives in the mail, it's like you get a SECOND fucking Christmas.  Getting packages is second to getting laid in my book (and that says a lot), but fortunately (or unfortunately) the two are not necessarily correlated unless we are speaking of quite the different kind of "package".  *ahem* Carry on, brave Type 1 soldiers!

Shopper Type 2: The Rational Game-Plan

These are the typical Black Friday shoppers.  Most of them know that there are bat-shit crazy people out there (we'll talk about them later) that go really early in the morning, and they know that most of the good stuff will be gone by late into the evening.  So they do their research.  They make a plan, figure out what they really NEED, and then go to the store mid-afternoon, get in, and get out after about an hour waiting in line.  Maybe one or two compulsion buys, but money ain't exactly leaking out of their pores.  They go home satisfied that they got a good deal on that pair of snow-boots they need to stay warm in the winter, perhaps with their modest Christmas presents for their relatives as well.  My favorite thing about typical shoppers is that they actually look for good deals instead of what the next subject does.  I, for example, just got 20% off a full buy-one-get-one-1/2-off deal on shoes that I really needed.

70% OFF?! YOU CALL THAT A SALE??!!

Shopper Type 3: Consumerist Drill Sergeant 
Oh boy, the mother-ship has landed.  Let's talk about the big old ball of bat-shit crazy that are the final and most extreme type of Black Friday shopper that is the consumerist drill sergeant.  These are the people who set up motor homes outside their favorite department stores at 4 AM waiting for door-buster sales.  These are the people who trample each other for a Tickle-Me Elmo and make the lives of the people who work retail a living Hell.  They can fucking SENSE the word "sale" anywhere within a 15-mile radius, and will buy anything as long as it has the word "save" in its description, even if it's a "buy 3, save 10% off something else" sort of idiotic ploy.  Yeah, you might get a 40% off coupon by getting in first, but the fact that you pushed over an old lady to get in the door first says that you have a painful death coming your way in the form of the absolute bitch that is your karma.  That and I think anyone who gives in this much to the consumerist monster has got to lose part of their soul every year that they partake in this sick tradition.  Guys, unless you're a doctor or 911 dispatcher or doing something SUPER FUCKING IMNPORTANT, there is no reason why you should be up at 4 or 5AM.  Especially if you're shopping.  $100 off that laptop is not going to be worth it after the 3 hours you wait in line and the groggy, dangerous drive home.

Sometimes I worry that Black Friday shopping is getting the novelty of attending movie premiers at midnight.  Sure, you get the first look and you can brag to your friends or whatever, but most people think you're kinda dumb for staying up that late for something that'll still be there in the morning.  Regardless, I wish you all the best of luck in your quest to sufficiently stimulate our huge, throbbing economy.

Merry shopping, dweebs.  Until next time <3