The Field Guide: Frequenta transitus

Greetings, my hyper-cephalized companion!

For the second half of this weekend's "double serving", we are going to take a look at the elusive, mysterious creature that inhabits the sprawling ecosystem that is the inner city. It has a piece of plastic or spare change permanently attached to its hand, emits a strange odor, and exhibits behavior that can only be described as schizophrenic, bipolar, or simply "white trash". This organism, my dear readers, has the scientific name Frequenta transitus, known colloquially as "bus-goers" or "bus people".

DUDE, YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT THE FROZEN MUSHROOM KITTY TOLD ME!

Classification

Kingdom: Humana

Phylum: Capitalista

Class: Urbanidae

Order: Unstabelandus

Family: Automota

Genus: Frequenta

Species: transitus

Evolutionary History:
The exact timing of the events in the history of F. transitus are unknown.  However, very scientific-like studies involving brushes, microscopes, and mass-spectrometers have revealed that a disease outbreak of pandemic proportions broke out within the Capitalista phylum somewhere in the Reagana Epoch.  Evidence points to a waterborne viral infection that trickled down to the lower classes of Capitalista society, resulting in birth defects and offspring schizophrenia in those born to infected maternal figures who passed the disease across the placenta.  The virus replicates by robbing red blood cells of oxygen after anchoring onto a cell receptor, thus sickling the cell.  Due to a lack of oxygen-rich blood, it is no wonder that birth defects and neurological reorganization soon followed.  These mutations were unknowingly passed onto offspring, since like Huntington's Disease, this viral ghoul has a prolonged latency period if birth defects do not immediately give away an infection to the diagnosing physician.  So, Unstabelandus gradually speciated from Cognizantus, leading to further differentiation as it found an ecological niche among the transit systems of the inner city.

Physical Characteristics

• Distinctive odor so that other bus-people may recognize the members of their species.  Observers have reported that the pheromone released by this organism's skin smells something along the lines of the love-child between ass, sweat, and week old garbage.  Chemical analysis of pheromone samples, however, have indicated that this odor is composed of aromatic chemicals derived from broken dreams, alcoholism, and metabolites of belly button lint.
• Pass or change palmar mechanism.  This organism has the distinct characteristic of a permanent mechanism on its palm that produces a plastic card, known as a "bus pass", or spare change.  That is the only way it can pass from one common habitat to the other.
• Hand-made clothing, which includes but are not limited to scarves that look as if they were woven in a pot-holder loom, leather hats that appear as if they were sewn together using a chopstick for a needle, and knit hats that are seemingly 20 years old.  All are dirty or extremely worn.

• Mullets, cornrows, strange/unruly facial hair, or trashy dye jobs have evolved as a sexually selected characteristic of this species, since the more white-trash a F. transitus can be, the more successful it will be at finding a mate.  Oftentimes the females of this species can be seen with braids even though they are most definitely not a "sister" by any standard.  It is said that the number of cornrows on the bus-goers head is reflective of the number of Bystandardus innocenta they have killed in their lifetime.  F. transitus is truly and literally a cut-throat species.
• Neck tattoos so they can remember their mate's name, as Frequenta frequently has a memory akin to that of a goldfish.

• Mystery bag of mystery.  No one truly knows what are in these garbage bags, totes, or grocery bags.  The last man who tried to look into a bus-goer's mystery bag is now embodied as a purple cornrow on that one chick who rides the 331 all the time to meet with her "good for nothing ex-mate".  It has been hypothesized that F. transitus keeps spare body parts of their prey in these bags to eat as snacks when their tummy gets a-rumblin'.  

Distribution and Habitat
Bus people are always found, as the name implies, on the bus or other forms of public transportation.  During the winter, when temperatures are low, F. transitus can be found in dense populations within these transportation systems.  They often ride the buses in circles simply to stay out of the cold.  The only time a bus-goer will leave its natural habitat is when it is in search of food.  Interestingly enough, local members of transitus will only seek one or two venues for consumption of Bystandardus innocenta. For example, naturalists specializing in the Bellingham ecosystem have found that bus people feed exclusively outside of Every Day Music and The Horseshoe Cafe.  Despite intervention by Policius officerondus in the form of signs that read "No loitering anytime", bus people will still congregate at these feeding spots because this is when male and female Frequenta transitus members have the highest chance of finding a mate.

Behavioral Characteristics

And I really meant "pounces"...

The main behavioral characteristic of most bus people is their intense need for social interaction or aggravation.  Because the natural habitat of the bus-goer is located within the masses of the Humana kingdom, the species feels a great need to assimilate.  Nevertheless, most social interactions instigated by this species fail since the communication centers of the brain have been so horribly rewired.  Frequenta transitus feeds on innocent bystanders and Universitus studente by creating painfully awkward situations in order to weaken its prey into defaulting to obligatory social niceties.  Once Frequenta realizes that it has lulled Universitus into the "nod and smile" stage of its behavior, it POUNCES, asking for phone numbers, change, drugs, or simply rips off a finger or two to bring home for the kids as a treat.
However, due to the random neurological reorganization that is inherent within this species, specific behavioral characteristics may not be common to all members.  However, generally one can expect to see:

• Murmuring to oneself
• Having full conversations with thin air
• A piercing gaze
• A limp from being so full of bat-shit crazy
• Loudly shouting "I'M NOT IN MY ROOM!!" at random intervals
• Braid/beard/mustache preening
• Exorbitant use of the words/phrases "dude", "you know", "fuckin", "babe/baby", "honey".
• Having WAY too much game
• Telling their kids that they "can BOTH be bottles of beer".
• Cleaning one's nostril with the tongue

Avoiding Attack
If you are out in the field and are forced onto public transportation, one should keep their eyes lowered at all times.  Ideally, one should also have a means of auditory distraction (like an iPod), since a Frequenta transitus will not attack if it senses that your cochlea are sufficiently stimulated.  Often, simply having headphones on is enough to deter a bus-goer, even if it is not connected to a musical device.  The last thing you should do on the bus is make eye contact or seem friendly.  As soon as transitus realizes that you are open for conversation, it WILL prey on you.  Instead, this humble field explorer suggests putting off an air of bitchiness to ward off any advances of the F. transitus you may come in contact with.  Also, sitting towards the middle of the bus tends to be a good plan of defense, as bus people tend to congregate at the very front and back ends of the vehicle.  If you follow these guidelines, my fellow Universitus, ye shall have safe travels...

...as long as you are not on top. 

Our next subjects: Canvasser greenpeacius and general members of the Canvasser genus.

Stay nerdy, my fellow dweebs.
<3 B