Sanity Check: Interior Diamonds for Your Interior Idiot

Hello to all my new, current, former, and wannabe smartypants university-type peoples!  Welcome to another edition of the Sanity Check on TPP.

Have you ever looked at something someone has just purchased or is wearing, and thought to yourself, "Now what the hell kind of function is that piece of shit going to serve?"  Well, if you have, you're definitely in the right place because...

This week's subject: Interior diamonds and other useless adornments and do-dads.



My mom's got a problem, and I'm praying to high zombie baby Jesus that I don't begin to inherit it.  She can't walk into a store without buying something, and 80% of the time it's some useless piece of shit that she'll make use of once (if that), and then it will collect dust in a storage bin.  We've got tons of preserved veggies no one eats, uni-talented kitchen tools crowding our drawers, books with markers only 15 pages in stacked 3.5 feet off the floor, and oodles of "miracle" bath/anti-aging/pain-relief products rotting in our bathroom cabinets.

It's some fucking bullshit, and I know my sister and I would really appreciate it if all that money went to something important, like---oh I don't know---our education or relieving my family from its thousands of dollars of debt.  But fuck that mortgage shit, right?  We need an onion-keeper.

It's not just my mom either.  You see, I'm an expert people-watcher.  I sit in malls and just watch people as they come out of stores, lurk on Facebook to see what people are posting, and am nothing short of DELIGHTED when my friends challenge me to "my team your team" in a Walmart.   In my decade of people-watching experience, I have learned this universally true fact: y'all waste your money on some really pointless shit:

UV Tattoos
For those of you not in the know, UV tattoos are done in a special ink that is only visible under a black-light.  Super convenient for those of us who want to get a tattoo but aren't allowed to have one in our professional life, no?  I mean, they do look pretty sweet...

...Except for the fact that most people do not a) live in a club or b) carry around a black-light with them.  And plus, these are way more expensive than normal ink-jobs.  So I say if no one's allowed to see it anyway, just put a legit one somewhere no one can see it when you're wearing clothes.  It accomplishes the same damn thing, and relieves you from all those scary rave/scene kids who think "xX uR T@tT00 i5 5uP3r c00l Xx".

Mango-Corers/Avocado-Slicers/Onion-Keepers

My avocado-slicer also serves as my "thinking moustache".

I think what a lot of foodies fail to realize is that the kitchen tool industry is really out there to milk you for every last fucking dime you have.  These things are EXPENSIVE and will get used only once in a blue moon, so why even bother?  First of all, mangoes and avocados are rather pricey, so if you're like me on the college budget, you hypothetically won't be buying them that often.  These tools are so specific to their function that without the pricey produce, they're just some weirdly shaped piece of plastic or metal sitting in a drawer.  Also, the onion/banana/garlic/red pepper/first-born-child keepers are trying to get you to spend $5 on each of those "specially modified" gaudy-ass containers rather than spend $5 on like 10 pieces of tupperware that accomplish the exact same task.  My general rule for kitchen tools?  If I can't think of at least 2 things I can do with it, I don't buy it.

The Wind-Up Radio
This is a classic example of one of my mother's "bright ideas".  She brings home this 5-pound brick and tosses it to me after telling me to put it with our other "emergency supplies".  I look at her like the bat-shit crazy Asian woman she is after reading the box and say, "...But it's a radio."  She replies that it's a WIND UP radio and that we should keep it just in case the power goes out.  I'm sitting there slack-jawed thinking to myself "Oh my fucking anal-retentive God, she's lost it".  Seriously?  If the power goes out, I have a flashlight and a book.  That is all I need.  Or maybe we could play cards like a normal family?  Instead you went out and spent $50 on a useless piece of technology.  Really good, mom.  Really good.

What if we actually need to hear a breaking news story?

"Quick!  Get the story about the impending nuclear disaster!"  

"Wait, I have to wind up the radio for 5 fucking minutes before we can listen to 30 seconds of it..."

Well, I guess it gives a whole new meaning to "crank that Soulja Boy"...

Engagement Rings 
I really want to make it clear right off the bat that I'm not bashing your right to have an engagement ring, nor your right to demand one of your fiance.  I get the whole desire to announce to the world that you are taken and the tradition behind it and what-not, but there are limits to the rationality of all of this once the purchase is actually at hand.

First of all, MASSIVE rings dripping with diamonds and other gems are a fucking horrible idea.  I checked a woman into the hotel one time who had a huge diamond in the center with little diamonds encircling her entire ring finger.  There's no hiding the fact that you have money with that ring, so I sincerely hope she never finds herself with a broken down car in a ghetto.  Even if it's not as severe, an engagement ring with a large stone just makes me anxious.  Hell, I have a multi-colored genuine jade 24-karat gold bracelet, but I'll never fucking wear it in public because I'm afraid I'll lose it.  I feel like if I ever had a big engagement ring, I'd always be turning it around so it looks more like "I'm only wearing a silver ring" rather than "PLEASE COME RIP THIS OFF MY FINGER".

And then there are interior diamonds:

<---What the HELL kind of function could that serve?  I thought the wedding industry was pretty ridiculous to begin with, but this thing takes the fucking cake.  You are literally paying HUNDREDS of dollars to embed a diamond that NO ONE WILL SEE into an engagement ring.  Nothing says "I love you" more than that little gem-stone rubbing against your skin.  Unless this is some weird, upscaled play on tying a string on your finger to remind you not to spread your legs for that random stranger, I fail to see the use for these.  Honestly, gentlemen, the only time she's going to see it is when she takes off the ring to fake out the guys at the bars or right before she gets an MRI.  "Have fun with your brain scan, honey!  Just know that I can't afford to pay for it because I wasted my money on that AWESOME interior diamond!"

Next week's subject: Facebook break-ups, "Twits", and other internet trash.

And that's all folks.  Remember, think about it before you buy it, and if you aren't, thanks for both stimulating our economy and confirming our "stupid American consumerist" stereotype.  You're a fucking hero.

Tune in tomorrow for another installment of Inn Perspective!

Until next time, dweebs <3