Welcome to Bull-Shitting 101

Hello fellow nerdy-pants!

First of all, I apologize greatly for the lack of post-age on Friday.  It was my first weekend off in about 3 months, and I was going to be damned if I missed out on any relaxation.  Not to say that this blog isn't relaxing...the internet just usually takes my productivity and gives it a swift Falcon Punch in the uterus, so that it may never birth completed responsibility.  (How's THAT for an extended metaphor?)

It's getting deeper into the autumn months on campus, and that can only mean a few things: finals and projects and term papers, oh my!  While you actually have to put some semblance of work into a final or a project, it takes alarmingly little effort to write an A-worthy term paper...if you know what you're doing.  Welcome to Bull-Shitting 101; take a seat and get your imagination churning because we're going to make up some intellectual-sounding crap today!



Disclaimer:
It should be noted that my interpretation of "bull-shitting" comes from a pre-med student's perspective, which is most likely the equivalent of the average student's "concerned effort".  But you know what?!  We both crank a 7-page paper out in 3 hrs flat and end up with A's, so maybe this should be titled something along the lines of "Speed-Writing 101", but I'M THE INTELLECTUAL AUTHORITY HERE and I make the rules.  *freaks out with laser pointer*

Lesson 1: The Thesis Sentence
If you are going to put effort into anything, your thesis should be your top priority.  If your thesis seems weak, too broad, or just poorly written, your prof will start whittling down your grade from the get-go.  If you didn't read the book, you're kind of SOL and should maybe read a less nerdy blog.  If you didn't FINISH the book, fear not!  There are ways.  Pick an overarching theme/motif/symbol and run with it.  Expand its implications to the rest of humanity.  The best papers that I've ever produced in less than a day's work have had thesis statements that lead directly into the description of a cycle.  Also, NEVER START WITH "In So-and-So's Title of a Book I Never Read, the author..."  I will find you and kill you...and so will your prof.  Lastly, if  you can lead into your thesis instead of saying it within your first paragraph (the "delayed thesis"), you will make a good impression, trust me.  On to examples!

Immunization and psychoanalysis focuses on a specific cause and effect and produces a process through which one may reduce said effect or destroy its source.  In so doing, a complex human being is reduced to a culmination of outcomes from "objective" studies, the influence of culture is denied, and treatments may fail or be refused as a result.  

Look at that shining nugget of wisdom.  It's specific, it says how it happens, and it applies to a broad demographic and has implications for further studies or analysis.  BEAUTIFUL.

In Anthony Burgess' A Clockwork Orange, the author shows a loss of humanity through Alex's treatments at the behavioral clinic.

EW.  Okay, we proved that we might have skimmed the Spark Notes for this book...for like 30 seconds. Not only have we failed to apply this loss of humanity to the world of the book itself, but we've also failed to find further implications for the world as a whole, let alone analyze WHY the author chose to do this.  Your thesis should always answer WHY and HOW.  And never use any form of the word "shows".  Ever.  Granted, the first thesis was for a synthesis paper while this is for a literary analysis, but the problems still stand.

Lesson 2: How not to suck at writing
I cannot count the amount of times I've peer-edited a piece for someone--who is normally rather eloquent verbally--and have found their paper elementary and lacking in seemingly all grammatical skill.  Seriously, guys...some of you write as if you gave your real paper to a FOB immigrant on their first day in America and then chose to white out some of the words they returned.  If you're still confusing "they're/their/there", "your/you're", "its/it's" etc...you need to brush up on your skills before writing the paper or have some poor soul read through it to catch your mistakes.

Then presents the problem of your syntax and diction (sentence structure and word-choice for the not-so-cephalized).  First of all, if you find yourself with a bunch of simple sentences (e.g. "I went to the store.  I bought milk."), you need to string them together into something a little more interesting.  Complex ideas warrant complex--but not obnoxious--syntax!  Further, utilizing phrases like "stuff/things/etc." make you seem like you just substituted a horribly ambiguous term for all the shit that you were unable or unwilling to say.  Also, we can tell if you're using a thesaurus.  If you normally sound like someone who barely passed their high school sophomore English class by writing on how "Brutus wasn't being fair to Julius Caesar", it's painfully obvious when you've used the thesaurus every other word.  Big words, despite popular belief, do not necessarily make you seem smarter.

Lesson 3: A Paragraph is NOT a Hamburger
And it is not a six-foot long sandwich either.  Stop making your paragraphs only 5 sentences.  That rule stopped applying to you during 7th grade, if not earlier.  On the other end of the spectrum, if you find your paragraph is longer than a page, you are either rambling (a death sentence to the rushed paper) or you need to split up the text and expand.  End of story.

Lesson 4: The Intense Beauty That is The Extended Metaphor

Now I reveal to you the authority behind all the assumptions I've been making.  Look, I've been through 2 honors classes in high school, 2 AP English courses, 3 Honors Series college lectures, and 1 Liberal Studies class on post-colonial novels.  Certain things, like the ones above, hold true for all professors in regards to liberal studies or English papers (scientific articles are another story).  One of these things is that profs FUCKING LOVE a well-placed extended metaphor or juicy play on words within your paper.  If you can find some way to take an abstract concept and concretize it in a logical metaphor and run with it for a sentence or two, you will score MAJOR kudos.  They eat that shit up.  Seriously.

Lesson 5: READ IT ALOUD

The best advice I can give you, my hyper-cephalized friend, is to read your paper aloud.  Not just under your breath.  ALOUD.  If you find that you sound like Miss South Carolina at any point, if you find that you stumble over your words, you need to consider re-writing.  If you sound like a robot, consider a syntax that will flow smoothly.  And if you find yourself ASPHYXIATING, use a comma (they're beautiful things)...or just split into two sentences.  Most importantly, if you are bored out of your mind by the middle, your prof will be as well.  Lastly, by the time you're done, you should be able to visualize the curtains closing and the credits rolling.  If not, your paper is too weak and needs some re-enforcement or sprucing up.

Lesson 6: Final Remarks
Your prof has read the book; he/she does not need it summarized for them.  Learn how to cite things appropriately.  Don't abuse the semi-colon.  Run-ons, unlike diamonds, are not a girl's best friend.  If you wouldn't use the word in a business interview, don't use it in your paper.  Contractions are colloquial.  "You" and "I" have no place in a paper...you and everyone else you wish to talk about (unless they are a specific ethnicity/group) are the omniscient "one".  The phrase "there are" makes me cringe...where did they come from?  Mars?!  Further, if you're hurting for length, I would look for as many applications outside of the context of your paper as you can for your thesis.  For example, I applied the Navajo interpretation of Western medicine to all of allopathic medical standards and even psychotherapy.  It will give you a page, easily.

Lastly, it's a miracle what a well-placed 15 minute Facebook break can do to your inspiration and will to go on instead of slitting your wrists with your book-mark.  Bleed your mind, not your veins?

Best luck, my fellow paper-writers.  May the literary gods smile upon your 3AM ventures!

Until next time, dweebs <3