I have returned...WITH NAKED MEN.

Hello university-type peoples!

I am BACK!  I have successfully survived the evil Lapsansky monster's reign over my life, rising gloriously from the ashes of my academically destroyed, mind-fucked social life and emerging anew...and with naked men.

Let's talk about being naked to get us back into the swing of things, shall we?  I don't know if this is necessarily a Sanity Check, as I'm just holding up my end of a threat (i.e. "I am SO blogging about this..."), but you know what?  Let's roll with it!

Cute when you're 2, a criminal offense when you're 20.

Imagine for me back when you were about 3 to 4 years old.  Running around in the nude was THE SHIT!  Mom may have told us sternly that it wasn't okay to go around showing our special places to people, but we didn't care because we were invisible if we closed our eyes, pudgy-faced, and FUCKING CUTE, so society really didn't give a shit.  We pranced freely through public fountains, feeling the wind rush gloriously through our axillary regions and across our chest, allowing that drop of water that landed on our head to slowly crawl all. the. way. down our bodies.  (If you're getting a weird boner right now, YOU'RE A PEDO.  Stop being creepy.)  It was adorable for us to be naked in pictures because there's something endearing about a little kid who really doesn't know any better that a hat and nothing else is not appropriate "going out" wardrobe.  This was also the age range (eh, I'll push it to about 7yrs old) that we could wear whatever damn color combo we pleased because as long as we WERE clothed, Mom really didn't care.  I imagine that's because, as Jo Koy would say, anything's better than a little kid stomping up to a complete stranger entirely naked, grabbing his junk and screaming, "LOOK AT MA TING-TING!!"

Basically, after this golden age range of bodily freedom, it's never okay to be naked in public.  In fact, the only time it IS okay to be naked is if you're a) taking a shower, b) getting dressed, or c) taking a game of wet, sloppy tongue hockey to the next level.  As a girl, we mostly accept this fact once we start being put in time out for refusing to get dressed completely in the morning or when we refuse to wear a longer skirt.  Girls are ALWAYS being told by their parents to put on more clothing so they, as "Shit Asian Moms Say" says, "no rook rike plostitute!"  Boys, on the other hand...have a little bit of a problem.  Eventually, after years of poking and prodding by their parental units and societal norms, they accept the fact that being naked isn't alright...

Did you ever think that the tube was just a really obvious euphemism?

...and then they go to college.

JESUS CHRIST, why is it that when alcohol is in the equation, clothing immediately starts falling off? Guys, I really don't get it: you're normally SO afraid of being naked around each other the entire time you're sober.  I swear to God, it's like you think another guy's dick is a Gorgon head that will turn you to stone if you accidentally make eye-contact with it.  It's a penis; you have one too.  ANYWAY, guys get drunk and they either a) want to make-out with anything with bits that don't dangle, b) want to fight each other, c) want to run around naked, or d) a combination of all three.  Case and point: this is what happened a week ago...

A couple of my friends, we'll call them "Cory" and "Mike", got super wasted at their themed party and decided that everyone should join them in a naked run around the block at 2 in the morning.  As they stripped down to nothing but their boxers in their living room and in front of people they work closely with (aka: ME), about 5 girls ran upstairs.  The front door was opened, and suddenly they ran out, followed by a sea of girl-flesh in nothing but bras and panties.  I decided to save whatever innocence I might have and did not peek out the door to see these two guys naked.  I just remember them coming back and Cory screaming, "Okay guys, seriously, WHERE ARE MY BOXERS?" before running back up the stairs completely in the buff.  None of them got arrested, thank god, but we did learn one very important lesson that night...

...Becca is ALWAYS sober and will remember and exploit EVERY stupid thing you do.  And don't be naked...because I really don't need to see that.  That is all.

Until next time, dweebs <3