"I feel like a 5-year-old; I've been around too much alcohol again..."

That phrase.  That FUCKING phrase.  

I hate it so much.  I hate the fact that it even exists.  

I suppose, though, that it isn't the phrase itself that I'm frustrated with, but moreso what it means to me is what I continually have problems with.

I'm hypersensitive to alcohol...or allergic...whatever you want to call it.  The point is I get tipsy/contact-drunk if I'm even around a miniscule amount of the vapors long enough.  How long can I last without feeling something?  Like clockwork, it's about an hour and a half if I'm in a small house party...45 minutes tops if I'm in a crowded bar like the Up.

It comes on at the drop of the hat.  I start feeling light-headed and fuzzy, like I'm floating, and at the same time start replacing sensation and fine motor skills for tingling in my hands that starts to radiate up in my arms.  I get a headache that initiates with dull, throbbing pain right behind my eyebrows and in my nasal sinuses, increases gradually in intensity and crests over the top of my head.  And then the room starts spinning as I begin to feel feverish and like I'm not getting enough air.  A more recent "fun" addition to my symptoms as of last night are uncontrollable fine muscle twitches (as if having consumed too much caffeine) and substernal pain.  Needless to say, I hit pillow and go into "la la land" for about 9 hours.

I try to make light of this whole situation by joking that "I'm the cheapest date on the face of the planet."  Except for the fact that I feel like a fucking child every single time this shit happens.  So much of the college atmosphere revolves around alcohol, even if it's not your stereotypical blithering drunk frat party, and I really feel like I'm missing out on a key part of life, from a social standpoint.  But it's dangerous for me...so I shouldn't be upset if I'm keeping myself safe.

Except I'm not.  I'm too damn stubborn to never go to parties where alcohol is present, and that just stems from me actually wanting friends and some semblance of normalcy in my life.  I pay the god-damned price every single time, and I'm just getting more and more frustrated that I'm continually fucking up that social atmosphere of the people around me.  I can't count the times a boyfriend or roommate has had to walk outside with me to give me air, how many times I've had to leave a party early because I couldn't walk in a straight line anymore, how many FUCKING times I've had near-delerious "30 seconds before passing out" phone conversations after sitting in the bar section of a bar and grill for just a little too long.  

This last time, I didn't want to leave.  I really didn't, but I had to stand in a corner because the fumes of people just having casual drinks were getting to me.  I stood in this corner and felt like a kid at Thanksgiving wanting to sit at the adults table.  It was awful, but to no fault of my host, of course.  I mean, I could have just said "fuck it" and "powered thorugh" it...but I would be paying for it as I type this, had I done that.  I like to pretend this is something I can just ignore, something that will just fucking go away if I think hard enough about it.  But it's not.  If anything, it's getting worse, as evidenced by the increasing prevalence of distressing respiratory symptoms and the immediate gag reflex that has been cropping up recently if I take an alcohol-laced breath a little too directly in my face.

Yes, I save a lot of money.  I have good stories of intoxicated friends at parties.  I will never have embarrassing drunken Facebook photos to hide from employers.  I'll never send a drunk text, never throw up all over someone's couch from far too much too drink.  And no, I'll never have a sloppy beer-fueled one night stand that ends in a walk of shame.

But I also won't be able to drink champagne at my wedding.  Or on New Years Eve.  Stress relief isn't as easy as mind-altering liquid passing through my lips.  I'll never really be able to appreciate the novelty of drinking games.  I'll never be able to be at a party for very long.  My friends will never really know what to do with me or how to react when I start getting sick.   I'll aways feel out of place at a bar or a house party.  I'll always feel guilty and self-conscoius when people have to make special accomodations for me.

This all just makes me feel like I'm really not that much fun to be around, and I'm waiting for those feelings to go away too.  Maybe one day they will.  I hope so.