The Field Guide: Pabst amorus

Greetings, super scientific hyper-cephalized people!

I hope you are ready for another riveting adventure in the pridelands of the human race, dear readers, for we are taking off in another installment of "The Field Guide", the expert's taxonomic handbook for the Humana kingdom. 

We have seen today's subjects around big metropolitan areas, concentrated the most among university campuses.  They wear ironic mustaches, drink awful beer, roll pantlegs up for seemingly no good reason, and their entire wardrobe seems to be nothing short of an anachronistic loogie hocked up from the oropharynx of the demonized bastard child of modern fashion trends and kitchy 90s sitcoms.  That's right, dear readers, we are investigating the fascinating lives of Pabst amorus, also known as "Hipsters".

Classification

Kingdom: Humana

Phylum: Capitalista

Class: Urbanidae

Order: Pretensius

Family:  Hypocritica

Genus: Pabst

Species: amorus

Evolutionary History

Millions of years ago, when the Urbanidae class first began to diverge, certain members were beginning to perceive their superiority over others, or so they thought anyway.  Yes, thousands of years of sexual selection is good enough evidence to prove that money, color, and size really do matter to the female species (discussed in later entries).  Thus came the advent of "SNOOT" genes, as it is known to cell biologists and geneticists, which code for "snot-nosed overly obsessed twat" protein transporters in frontal cortex neuroglia, supplying the crucial neurons of humanity with the fuel needed to become a bunch of total dick-heads.

It takes the ions from higher concentrations to lower ones,
and thus out of the mainstream...

The Pretensius order gradually speciated into the tribes---and unique families--Poserandus, Hypocritica, and Bitchycunta, and there was a bitter war among them to claim their moral and societal superiority.  To do so, each tribe went on a quest for discovery.  Poserandus set off to find knock-off designer brand handbags and watches from Chinese settlements, Bitchycunta consulted with the all-knowing oracle of Kardashian on Trump to gain enlightenment on how to royally fuck people over, and our dear Hypocritica?

The only, and anonymous, witness: "Damn it, Sam.  YOU HAD ONE JOB."

  Well, this family decided to locate the final resting place of the "Absolute Superiority Spectacles" (ASS), which allowed whomever adorned them upon their nasal bone to view the world, finally, through the right lens.  Unfortunately, Hypocritica isn't exactly known for their dexterity, so when Sam I. Matool had the ASS in his possession at last, he dropped them, cracking and scratching those sacred lenses.  His ego was far too big though, so he did not tell the rest of the tribe.  Hypocritica first looked through their holy ASS to decide which beer to celebrate its discovery with, and that distorted view brought Hypocritica to Pabst Blue Ribbon, a mixture of hyena urine, turmeric, and garbage disposal slime.  Thus, Pabst amorus was born.

Physical Characteristics
To be frank, hipsters are pretty easy to spot in the Pridelands of Humana.  Every once and a while, they get confused with Knowitalensis or Hobona, but there are a plethora of identifying characteristics to distinguish between them.

This is mostly about overuse of a hair straightener.

• Friends.  P. amorus operates in large social groups, mostly because the SNOOT genes they are known for demand high levels of social interaction to fuel the synergistic expression of dopamine and SNOOT enhancers for their neuroglia.  Knowitalensis, on the other hand, prefers a solitary lifestyle amongst scientific article databases, Magic Cards, and/or large quantities of books.
• Fashion of a questionable nature.  Again, the wardrobe that the average Hipster dons is a mixture of what they perceive to be ironic or controversial, and a mash-up of modern fashion trends and awful 90s sitcoms.  This includes: deep v-necks, over-sized beanies, guys in girls pants, white girls wearing Native American head-dresses, awful knit sweaters, and leggings as pants.  Most of their clothing is bought used or made to look that way, as it is socially unacceptable within Hipster society to shop at a mall, for it condones mating and thus mixing genes with other species.  For this reason, they are scavengers.  Men often wear thick mustaches or beards to show how ironic they can be, since anyone who constantly looks like their 14 shouldn't be able to grow facial hair of any kind.  This serves as identification for female mate choice.
• Thick-rimmed reproductions of the ASS often adorn their faces, much like Christians wear a cross, as a not-so-humble homage to their historical sacred object.
• And as their namesake demands, PBR is often seen in their hands during daily or weekly worship sessions to their holy ASS.  

This year's Coachella Hipster Queen

Distribution and Habitat

Hipsters are more commonly found among populations of Universitus studentae subgroups in urban centers, where fashion is important, even if you're going down to the local 7-11 for your 30 ounce Blue Raspberry Slurpee.  The highest concentration of Pabst amorus has been documented by demographers in such provinces as Bellingham, Seattle, Portland, and San Francisco.  Within these metropolises, Hipsters can be found gathering in Starbucks, independent bookstores, and large Indie/Folk music Hipster fuck-fests like Sasquatch or Coachella.  

Behavioral Characteristics

• "Veganism"/"Vegetarianism"...except on those days when a cheeseburger sounds really good after a good cigarette that was tested on baby bunnies and puppies.
• Self-righteous attitude, as their place in the Pretensius order demands.
• Vehement and hyper-egalitarianism...with a catch.  If one was to observe a clan of Hipsters, one would hear a strange call that sounds something akin to "You've probably never heard of it" uttered over and over again.  You see, dear readers, P. amorus thrives on knowing about and enjoying things that "no one else" does.  It makes individuals seem like better mate choices because they have something unique about them.  But you see, there is a problem.  Hipsters crave acceptance in order to keep their large social groups close, so they listen to these "unheard" Indie bands and wear "independent" clothing brands, but only if the group does something very similar.  This is why hipsters all look and act the same.
• Riding "fixie" cruiser bikes with fenders.  Hipsters don't workout since sweating is wayyy too popular, so they work 8 times as hard getting up hills instead.
• Overuse of certain social media-sites and applications to preach their ostentatious beliefs and how "unique" they're being.  See also: Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.  Most notably, the perceptions gained from their mighty ASS have revealed to P. amorus  that Polaroid-esque shots with huge lens-flares superimposed over the image of whatever they happen to be eating constitutes fine art.  

Are you a Hipster?
Odds are that if you are asking yourself this question, the answer is no.  If you were truly a member of the P. amorus species, you would deny this fact immediately.  I mean, being a Hipster is so mainstream nowadays, right?  Come on, Forever 21 is marketing that fashion style already.

Another way to tell?

You're not worshiping your holy ASS, are you?

Next week's subject: Matrimonus desperati, the Desperate Housewife.

Until next time, dweebs <3

(Thanks to Kyra, Nick, Glen, and Matt S. for the ideas and inspiration!)