At the request of my personal hyper-cephalized companions, I have come to you with yet another installment of your beloved Sanity Checks. This week's subject? How to lose friends on Facebook.
The Insanity
With over 900 million people on the site as of March 2012, generating 3.2 BILLION "likes" PER DAY in only the first quarter of 2012, it is safe to say that a lot of the world's population is doing their part in giving a daily offering to our all-powerful holy Z-berg, creator of The Book of Faces.
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| Isn't he just fucking dreamy... |
But you know, the more people we get on Facebook, the more accurate our sample becomes at reflecting the trends of the general populace (yes, this girl took statistics). Hooray! We get to know about the public...and we all know one thing about the public, yes? PEOPLE SUCK. I swear, as this website becomes more and more mainstream--forgive my hipster moment--users are starting to see a huge influx of individuals who are ANNOYING AS SHIT.
I'm talking boys and girls who make me want to reach my arm through my screen into the screaming wormhole of the interwebz so that my phalanges might find their neck once it comes out of its cosmic journey just so I can wring the life out of their Farmville-requesting, motivational quote-spamming, lovey-dovey bullshit-saying heads. *breathes* I'm a little bitter about this, obviously. I don't want a felony on my hands though, since that doesn't look good to PA schools, so the only vengeance I have against these twats instead is the dreaded "unfriend" option. We have already spoken about annoying internet users, but this needs to be said. I have outlined for you, my dear hyper-cephalized companions, what qualities make me defriend someone almost immediately:
Epiphany People: We all have one of those friends who posts statuses every day that are closer to being a self-help novel than actually being a witty quip about humanity. The best part is that I only ever seem to see this personality type in women, which makes me wonder just how badly Facebook is affecting both gender's needs for external validation. These girls post something about being empowered or beautiful or some other motivational bullshit, which is great to see, but when you yo-yo EVERY GOD DAMNED DAY between hating yourself, your life, and everyone in it to being all "hear me roar", I stop giving a flying fuck as fast as you can say "Facebook whore". And I swear to god, if I see one more picture with contrast filter and drop-shadow like the one pictured at right, I will slap a ho.
"I Believe In" Attention Whores: You know what's great about having a religion or a political stance? You get to have a personal opinion...for yourself...cuz it's personal...something that you formulate an idea about in your head for yourself. Let me be clear here, I don't mind if you have a religion or if you have a different political stance than I do. I don't care if you're a different sexuality, gender, or like to kill baby animals as a weekend hobby.
But for gosakes, keep it to yourself. If you like baby zombie Jesus so fucking much, go to church and worship those holy jam-hands. If you hate Obama, go WORK on his opponent's campaign. Spewing your beliefs on Facebook is JUST a way to get attention since 150 characters is not nearly enough to show that you are well-informed about anything, really. You're just gonna come off as some extremist high-and-mighty douchebag who's out to convert the rest of the plebeian society you exist in, and I will call you out...every damn time. In fact, I'll correct your spelling and grammar just to piss you off and post quotes from The Skeptic's Annotated Bible and The Church of Google just to make you think I'm a heathen. If you want to shove your cock of a belief down my throat, you better not expect me to swallow, pun intended.
Ch@tSp3@k: If you talk l13k tH1s, go back and take grammar lessons. Then add me again.
Eros ad Nauseum: People, we've talked about this already, but I'll say it again: screw you and your lovey-dovey bullshit. Stop it. No one needs to know that your relationship has devolved into the blithering idiocy of baby-talk. Oh, and if you live with someone, STOP TAGGING THEM IN EVERYTHING for Christ's sake, especially if it doesn't involve them in any way/shape/form. If you're needing more attention from a loved one, tell them instead of passive-aggressively asking for it via the Book of Faces. You are tainting our holy manuscript of Z-berg!
Stabby-Rip-Stab-Stab: Let's talk about cries for attention, shall we? Teenagers of the world, I'm talking to you right here and now. Your life is not as bad as you think it is. If daddy and mommy won't pay for you to go to that concert or won't let you out to go to whatever event you want, boo-hoo. Get over it because your life is not over. You have a roof over your head, might not have to work until you get to college, have food in your belly and clean water to drink. You're doing a lot better than a lot of people on this planet.
OH...and all you people who keep posting convoluted statuses that say something along the lines of "I don't know why I try anymore...*sigh*" annoy the shit out of me. If you want a compliment or support, just fucking ask for one; you'll get a lot better responses that way. Besides, do you really want to be making all of your personal problems public? You know Facebook and Google stores everything you broadcast, right? Fun fact...broadcasting your relationship issues is never ever EVER going to fix the issue. In fact, I can almost guarantee that it will make it worse, especially if your friends start ganging up on your significant other. My absolute favorite is when family tiffs are created because somebody didn't invite some relative to some event on Facebook. Could we BE any more petty?
Being a fan of these guys:
The Sanity Check
Now, I'm not claiming to have never been guilty of any of these. I don't think anyone's never screwed up and become something they criticize at one point in time. Doing this every once and a while is okay, but when it becomes habitual is when we really start to have a problem here. If you need attention that badly, please go hang out with people in real life. Post funny things. Post uplifting, non-cliched things. Facebook is for friends, not enemies or grudges. (Or was that Myspace?) Let's keep it that way!
Next week's subject: Freshman Frenzy!
Until next time, dweebs <3
I'm talking boys and girls who make me want to reach my arm through my screen into the screaming wormhole of the interwebz so that my phalanges might find their neck once it comes out of its cosmic journey just so I can wring the life out of their Farmville-requesting, motivational quote-spamming, lovey-dovey bullshit-saying heads. *breathes* I'm a little bitter about this, obviously. I don't want a felony on my hands though, since that doesn't look good to PA schools, so the only vengeance I have against these twats instead is the dreaded "unfriend" option. We have already spoken about annoying internet users, but this needs to be said. I have outlined for you, my dear hyper-cephalized companions, what qualities make me defriend someone almost immediately:
Epiphany People: We all have one of those friends who posts statuses every day that are closer to being a self-help novel than actually being a witty quip about humanity. The best part is that I only ever seem to see this personality type in women, which makes me wonder just how badly Facebook is affecting both gender's needs for external validation. These girls post something about being empowered or beautiful or some other motivational bullshit, which is great to see, but when you yo-yo EVERY GOD DAMNED DAY between hating yourself, your life, and everyone in it to being all "hear me roar", I stop giving a flying fuck as fast as you can say "Facebook whore". And I swear to god, if I see one more picture with contrast filter and drop-shadow like the one pictured at right, I will slap a ho."I Believe In" Attention Whores: You know what's great about having a religion or a political stance? You get to have a personal opinion...for yourself...cuz it's personal...something that you formulate an idea about in your head for yourself. Let me be clear here, I don't mind if you have a religion or if you have a different political stance than I do. I don't care if you're a different sexuality, gender, or like to kill baby animals as a weekend hobby.
Ch@tSp3@k: If you talk l13k tH1s, go back and take grammar lessons. Then add me again.
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| Oo yeah baby wall-post dirty to me. |
Stabby-Rip-Stab-Stab: Let's talk about cries for attention, shall we? Teenagers of the world, I'm talking to you right here and now. Your life is not as bad as you think it is. If daddy and mommy won't pay for you to go to that concert or won't let you out to go to whatever event you want, boo-hoo. Get over it because your life is not over. You have a roof over your head, might not have to work until you get to college, have food in your belly and clean water to drink. You're doing a lot better than a lot of people on this planet.
 |
| These fails, however, are sometimes worth the trouble of reading. |
Being a fan of these guys:
The Sanity Check
Now, I'm not claiming to have never been guilty of any of these. I don't think anyone's never screwed up and become something they criticize at one point in time. Doing this every once and a while is okay, but when it becomes habitual is when we really start to have a problem here. If you need attention that badly, please go hang out with people in real life. Post funny things. Post uplifting, non-cliched things. Facebook is for friends, not enemies or grudges. (Or was that Myspace?) Let's keep it that way!
Next week's subject: Freshman Frenzy!
Until next time, dweebs <3
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