I Ruv You Long Time

Hello fellow Pocket-Protector-type people!

The year is winding down to a close.  Christmas is nearing, I'm getting overrun with requests for scarves and other knitted goods, and I'm finding that everyone is more cheery.  Hell, I actually had a bus-driver WAIT for me to cross the street to get to the bus stop today, which is completely unheard of as far as the douchebags of WTA go.  I was then offered a Christmas ornament and something to hang a wreath with by a very nice old woman.  What is it about Christmas that suddenly turns everyone's "trust no one and fuck everyone else" mentality off?  (That shall be spoken of in other blogs.)  I think this phenomenon is funny because two things happen to people on the holidays exactly identical to what happens to people at Warped Tours: they either end up really happy by the end of it or they want to rip someone's face off and wear it as a mask to condemn all those fucking perky people out there.  I pretty much always fall into the latter category, and I find it's because I'm often alone on the holidays.  Let's be honest here...the holidays is when having a boyfriend or a girlfriend is really nice and therefore the desperation factor jumps ten-fold.

Click for full-size!

So brings us to our more interesting subject.  I witness this in its more extreme form simply because I am constantly on a college campus, which is code for "a big ol' bucket of hormones in daily close proximity".  The campus "couple quota", that I am arbitrarily naming, fluctuates according to what month it is...so we're gonna talk about it.  It ranges from 1-10, with 1 being "everyone is a sad lonely fuck" and 10 being "everyone is getting some".

January (7): It's New Years, which can only mean girls making out with each other for attention from bro-ish guys and those douchebags getting some desperate tail in an incredibly drunken stupor.  Bad decisions will be made during this month, make no mistake.  Other than New Years Eve, a new quarter/semester begins with brand new faces in each class.

February (8.5): Nobody wants to be that sad single fuck amongst one's friends who doesn't have a Valentine.  The main objective for most straight girls until that fated day of February is to find something with bits that dangle that can coo at them and call them their "snuggle bunny" or something else disgusting.  We can thank Hallmark for this crap holiday and influx of desperation.

March (4): All the mistakes made in February suddenly dawn upon people.  The desolate wasteland of spring break draws near as well, so everyone is scared to start something with someone before going on that trip to Mexico.

April (6): The girls start wearing shorts, the guys start taking off their shirts, and it's spring break.  Time for some flings...and maybe a few trips to the local Planned Parenthood for violating the Golden Rule of General Fuckery.

Case and point for March...

May (6.5): School is back in session and so it is safe once again to attempt a relationship.  Everyone's looking a little better now that the sun is gracing us with a little bit of color so that we don't all look like pasty white representatives of the walking dead with damp hair frizzed up by the fucking humidity.

June (7.5): Summer flings begin, but many people are still in quarter schools that haven't quite gotten out yet.  The same caution applies as it did in March for spring break...can't start something if you can't maintain it.

July (8): At this point, everyone is so bored in either their home town or in their college town that they will do anything for a little nooky.  Cue the Craigslist "Missed Connections" post increase and the huge influx of traffic on the university's own LikeALittle.com.

August (9.75): All semester schools go back in session, and the freshman don't know anyone, are recently single, and looking for a rebound.  Everyone is sleeping with everyone because there are new faces and freshman girls who are willing to show up to their 8AM chem lab in a tight-ass mini-skirt, heels, and enough makeup to make Jeffree Star look like he's not trying hard enough.  Whore-bags, welcome to the festering pool of the all-too-willing.

You'd be surprised how common this is.

September (9): All quarter schools go back in session.  We see the same phenomenon as above, but many students in the semester schools have discovered that STD's really aren't that fun, and neither are the ramifications for breaking the Golden Rule.  They have also realized that walks of shame are, well, shameful...and that not knowing if he was/you were wearing a condom is scarier than picking up an axe-murderer hitch-hiking on the freeway.

October (2): People start concentrating on school and making friends.  All horrible decisions made in August/September have been dealt with and have sufficiently scared people off poon for a little while at least.  It's getting colder, so people are sad and lonely...and on my campus, the rain has begun, so all of the girls look like weird rain-resistant wind-up toys with big poofy torsos, no hair, and skinny chicken legs wearing oddly colored rubber boots.

November (2.5): Fear lessens and students start figuring out that it would be nice to have someone to bring home to the family.  Friendships start molding into something meaningful and we begin to see normal, "didn't just wake up next to her after a night of heavy drinking" couples arise from the darkness.

December (5): People pair up a little more as the desperation not to be that sad fuck alone by a fireplace with a bottle of scotch on Christmas mounts.  The fear of kindling a relationship is there, but most people are so high on the holidays that they're stupid enough to try it...and oddly enough, it works more often than not.

Until next time, dweebs <3