The Field Guide: Corporatus executiva

Hello to you, my hyper-cephalized companion, and welcome to the first official installment of "The Field Guide" on TPP.

Today, as we roam the streets, lush with the living fruit of the Earthen loin, we have stumbled upon a rare organism.  It walks with a robust belly, its nose continually stuck in the air, and seems to shed national currency instead of its skin.  Yes, my dear adventurers, we are talking about one Corporatus executiva, also known as "Boss-Men", "Big Men on Campus", and "That Fucking Asshole".

Classification


Kingdom: Humana

Phylum: Capitalista

Class: Urbanidae

Order: Labora

Family: Servicio

Genus: Corporatus

Species: executiva




Evolutionary History

About 5 million years ago, C. executiva branched off from its common ancestor in the Servicio family when a rare single point mutation in the species' genome caused a neurological reorganization, resulting in an obsession with money that was positively selected for in the capitalist environment.  The trade-off for this mutation, however, was that offspring of Corporatus also have an strong unexplainable urge to shove a rather large stick up their ass.  This genetic reading frame-shift also lead to poor cardiac and soul protein-folding, which has an immediate deleterious effect on the soul and very gradual wasting of the heart.  Nevertheless, the benefits of vast amounts of fiscal resources outweighed the physical consequences of the point substitution.  Thus, C. executiva evolved alongside P. Peoplus during the early Gates Period, which includes modern day executives.  The common ancestor of Corporatus  and People-People has been hypothesized by many to be Supervisora studentae, which is a species of little consequence in its econiche.

Physical Characteristics

• Tailored suit used to cleverly hide the huge branch stuck up the organism's rectum.  It is said that the better-fitting the suit, the more likely Corporatus will be to find a mate, with which equal branch size is crucial for successful reproduction.
• "Serious-glasses" used as a defense mechanism when its dominance is threatened by P. Peoplus in any way.
• Custom business cards to identify itself, since it's convinced everyone can't fucking gather that Corporatus is a manager simply by the way it struts around like a retarded duck on rollerskates trying to impersonate McJagger.  
• Rotund abdomen from the People-People it feeds on; hopes and dreams are just so fattening!  
• Expensive phone or watch, product of highly specific sexual selection by female mates.  Observers have noted that the size of the stick shoved up their ass is directly proportional to the amount C. executiva has paid for anything, relative to what a normal, sane P. peoplus would be willing to depart with for an item of similar quality.

Distribution and Habitat

C. executiva is relatively rare in the grand scheme of the planet Earth.  However, it is most abundantly distributed in urban centers, from which its class' name originates.  A Boss-Man can be found in every large business, especially hotels, where the most dense populations of its prey (P. peoplus) occupy.  

Behavioral Characteristics

Boss-Men are highly reclusive, often spending hours at a time in their office.  What goes on in the private offices of corporate executives is not widely understood, but many researchers have theorized that the time is either spent wanking off or devising grand schemes to weaken P. peoplus to further self-destruction.  The only time a Boss-Man leaves its office is when he feels the need to identify himself to the public or when his keen sense of smell (due to his abnormally large nose) picks up on a "hope" or "ambition" pheromone eeking off of the skin of a People-Person.  

     Also, despite having full range of motion in the neck, Corporatus always walks around with its nose in the air.  Observers have noticed that there is a correlation between age and nose elevation, indicating that a relationship may exist between the state of decay of the heart and the height at which an executive keeps his/her nose to evade the smell of rotting humanity permeating their chest cavity.  Boss-Men begin to shake their head in conversation simply to breathe small whiffs of fresh air, as the vibration of their vocal cords accelerates aromatic particles towards the nasal cavities.

Right: Normal brain tissue.  Left: Reorganized Corporatus cerebral tissue

     Boss-Men are clinically bipolar, schizophrenic, and have anger management issues simply due to their ancestral neurological reorganization.  They lack foresight and crucial people skills, yet have immense amounts of power among the Servicio society.  To compensate for their mental inabilities, C. executiva commonly goes on what is known colloquially as a "power trip" to remind all those lowly People-People who is in charge, who has the final word, and "who signs their paychecks" (even though that responsibility belongs to the omnipotent Corporatus god, "Providence").   They also have delusions, specifically that of grandeur, which promotes them to tell outrageous "rich-man" stories in order to belittle and weaken their prey.  For example: 

"Ah yes, back when I owned this 5-star resort in Aspen, Colorado, I cured cancer and created the internet while sipping imported bat-shit espresso from Guatemala's enchanted forests with unicorn-milk and fairy sugar to taste.  I also made $10,000 that day when I sold God the bark to make a tree.  You can thank ME for the oxygen you're breathing."

See what I mean?

Reports from P. peoplus

My name is P. Peoplus.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die.

From the perspective of the People-Person, Corporatus executiva is the lowest common denominator of the Humana kingdom.  They make the P-pah-dizzle life miserable, tormenting them incessantly with reminders of the financial power they will never hold in their feeble little hands.  At the front desk, many P. peoplus members will create secret plans amongst themselves, which may involve "receiving a call from an unknown guest", simply to evade the snarkiness of Corporatus.  When the Boss-Man turns his back to walk away, it is a People-Person custom to mime throwing something heavy (like a stapler) at his/her head.  It has been hypothesized that this very action allows Peoplus not only to prevent self-destruction, but it also allows them to purge the image of flabby old man ass from their minds every time they wonder why a male Corporatus' wife would ever sleep with him.

Classification "Humana"

Key words: D. Norbut, Best Western, Corporatus

Because of the severe neural reorganization that has occurred in Corporatus' skull, it has been hotly debated whether or not this organism should fall into the Humana kingdom at all.  Supporters of this movement claim that because Corporatus inherently has absolutely no regard for his fellow man unless it promotes his ulterior, selfish motives, that he should not be seen as a human.  Opposers to this theory claim that Corporatus merely has a severe case of Bitchycuntosis, which may be remedied with careful psychotherapy and treatment.  This nature vs. nurture dilemma is present even to this day, but one thing is for certain: P. peoplus would be happy to see one of the sources of their very extinction removed from the classification that gives Corporatus so much power.

Next week's subject: Frequenta transitus, also known as a "Bus-goer".

Until next time, dweebs <3