It's not Lupus.

So I feel like I'm watching the VERY slow death of half of the kids at my university, guys.  Seriously.  It's as if every day someone new comes into lecture who's either trying to cough up a lung or blow part of their frontal lobe out of their left nostril.  

By now, some of my hyper-cephalized friends have come to the realization that sharing a bathroom with 9 other girls and a lecture hall with about 100 of your not so closest friends is a snot-bubbling good time.  Personally, my mom is really into all that homeopathic voodoo, so I end up getting sent all sorts of shit like pills with cell wall particles and grapefruit seed extract and what-not when I am under the weather.  So not helpful.  Others are getting sick for the first time outside of their parents' house, and they don't know what to do.  As a future doctor, I'm going to share my wisdom with you.

Lesson One: Food Poisoning

This should be safe, right?  Right?

Let's get real here.  All of us who are living on our own have been guilty of eating something in their fridge that wasn't just questionable.  In fact, you would probably be willing to bet your life savings on the fact that you'd get sick from eating those left-overs.  But it's 11 PM and you have no money and no motivation to buy groceries.  So fuck it, right?  What's a little fuzz on your chow mein to you?  Now suddenly you've woken up in a flurry of stomach juices and have found your face hovering over a white porcelain sea of misery.  Some of my other smarty-pants university-type people will get food poisoning from simply eating in the dining halls due to the low quality of the food...and plus it's sitting out there for a while, so there's always that.  If you start getting sensitive to light with a pounding headache, you might want to prepare yourself for a swift trip to the toilet for some projectile fun.  Don't be like me and start going into shock though.  Drink clear liquids only...start with sucking on ice actually...then ease yourself back into eating normally.  You need to let yourself throw up and get the bug out of your system; it's the only way.  What have I learned from getting food poisoning?  The EMT's really don't like it when you try to stand on one leg when they have been called to your dormat 5 AM because you might be going into shock...

...Cuz only the EMT's get to stand on one leg when you're going into shock.

Lesson Two: Sore Throats and The Common Cold

As far as sore throats and colds go, I feel like I get one every few weeks.  The best way to avoid these is to drink LOTS of water and wash your hands, while avoiding touching your face/eyes/mouth during the day.  Carry a Nalgene or other water bottle and try to empty it at least 1.5 times during your school day.  Also, shit like Airborne doesn't do anything.  Same with Emergen-C.  Your body can't actually absorb all that vitamin C at once, so if you want it to be effective, you need to drink it progressively throughout the day.  If you find that you have a mild fever--and I can't stress this enough--DON'T TAKE TYLENOL.  Your body is making an inhospitable environment for whatever is in your system, and if you take the anti-inflammatory, you're actually helping that little bastard out.  As they say, "KILL IT WITH FIRE!"  If you find that you're too sick to go out, lie low, take a hot shower, keep a steady supply of kleenex (or T/P) nearby, and keep the fluid intake up.  Oh.  And peppermint tea.  Sore throat?  Mix hot water, lemon juice, honey, and cayenne pepper as hot as you can stand it.  It's magic, trust me.  I've actually had so many throat colds in my lifetime that my tonsils have literally disintegrated in my mouth (whatever you were eating or thinking of eating is no longer appealing).  

If your throat looks like this, you are contagious and should stay the fuck away from me.

This means I know exactly what strep looks and feels like.  Your head will be a little light, and your throat will feel really dry if anything, usually only on one side.  You'll run a fever and start feeling rather dizzy, maybe start feeling cold chills as well.  If you look into the back of your throat, you might see white speckles on your soft palette, and your tonsils will be inflamed (like a strawberry red).  If you see/feel like this, I'd get my ass to the doctor for some amoxicillin and excuse myself from class just to be sure.

Lesson Three: The Flu and Flu Shots

SWINE FLUUUUUUUUUUUU!!  Hey, do you want to know why you're glad you're not a chicken?  

"When a pathogenic strain of influenza takes hold in chickens, it's an ugly business. The virus spreads through the bloodstream to infect every tissue and organ: the brain, stomach, lungs and eyes all leak blood in a body-wide hemorrhage until, from the tips of their combs to the claws on their feet, the birds literally melt."---Pete Davies, The Devil's Flu 

I'm only here to kill your appetite.  ...Every fucking year there is a flu scare, and people clammer over the flu vaccinations.  I feel like people think that getting this shot is going to solve all of their problems, but here's the scoop, fuck-tards: this immunization is literally the federal virologist's best guess as to what this virus is going to mutate into next.  If they're wrong, you might get the flu still.  In fact, just getting the shot itself may trigger a mild case of influenza simply because the shot involves injecting your body with little bits of the virus to promote an immune response.  Personally, I've only ever had one flu shot in my life, and I haven't contracted it in about 10 years *knocks on wood*.  However, if you do live in the dorms, have large lecture classes, or simply handle money or work closely with large numbers of the public, I'd get the shot if you can.  The more exposure a person has to other people, the more likely one is to contract the flu, since it is airborne after all.  If you don't believe me, you can take your arrogant little ass and consult the 5 flu books I've read so far during my research for my capstone project/novel I'm writing.

Lesson Four: Going to Class while Ill

When you do this in lecture, we all end up inhaling a little bit of it.  So don't.

DON'T.  Just fucking don't.  If you think there's the slightest chance that you are contagious, I'd really rather you not blow your snot-bubbles in my general direction.  I don't need to listen to people trying to cough up the equivalent of their cat's lifetime of hair-balls.  I don't need that.  Also, have you ever had to try to take a test when there's someone in your SILENT lecture hall who tries to snort up a full sinus cavity of mucus EVERY FIFTEEN SECONDS?  Impossible.  Fucking impossible...and irritating.  Stay home if you're sick.  End of story.

Lesson Five: Seeing your Doctor

But you're probably fine but should probably see a doctor and probably not sue us...

I have a few friends who seem to contract the weirdest ailments.  I'm talking strep throat compounded by an infected jaw or a West-Nile-Mononucleosis cocktail.  If your symptoms persist more than about 3 days, I'd say make an appointment to see a doctor or your student health center, especially if you have a fever.  Before you go, DO NOT search your symptoms on Google, if you want to live.  Seriously.  You're just going to have to take my word on this.  And WebMD doesn't count as a doctor as much as it does for a "So We Hear You Might Be Dying" hotline.  While at the doctors office, tell them EVERYTHING.  I don't care if you've slept with 15 different men and have tried huffing paint-thinner in the past week; they need to know.  If they give you a prescription, take it and CONTINUE to take it until you finish the script (if directed), even if you stop feeling symptoms.  

And that's how not to die in college.  Hooray!  I'm not dead yet!  I think I'll go for a walk!  (High five if you caught the movie reference.)

Until next time, dweebs <3