Sanity Check: "Heads Carolina, Tails YOU'RE AN IDIOT."

Welcome to the first ever Sanity Check on TPP!  These are little opportunities to express to you just how ridiculous I think a certain something is and why.  It could be a song, movie, habit, person...anything really.  Think of this as my little gift to you for the start of your week.  Read this and think to yourself, "Well, hey at least I'm not like THAT guy."  Cuz you're not that guy.  That guy is that guy, obviously.  Nay, you my hyper-cephalized companion hold yourself to higher standards than that.  So rejoice in this shadenfreude!

This week's Sanity Check subject: "Heads Carolina, Tails California" by Jo Dee Messina

Source: My boyfriend has to listen to this at work...and I thought it was bad at the hotel losing braincells every day to Katy Perry's "Firework."  Not only that, but apparently, people actually paid to see her live.  God help them.

The Insanity: 
Baby, what do you say we just get lost?
Leave this one horse town like two rebels without a cause.
I got people in Boston.
Ain't your daddy still in Des Moines?
We can pack up tomorrow.
Tonight, let's flip a coin

[CHORUS]
Heads, Carolina Tails, California.
Somewhere greener, somewhere warmer.
Up in the mountains, down by the ocean.
Where? It don't matter, as long as we're goin'
Somewhere together. I've got a quarter.
Heads, Carolina Tails, California.

We can load what we own in the back of a U-haul van.
Couple modern day Moses', searchin for the promised land.
We can go four hundred miles before we stop for gas.
We can drive for a day, and then we'll take a look at the map.
[CHORUS]
We're gonna get outta here if we gotta ride a Greyhound bus.
Boy, we're bound to outrun the bad luck that's tailin' us
[CHORUS]
O---oh, California! Carolina! California!


The Sanity Check:
1. Firstly, Boston is in Massachusetts, not Carolina OR California.  Sounds like someone is spending too much time with this fine example of intelligence:

2. Des Moines is in IOWA.  Who the hell wants to go to Iowa, honestly?  What are you going to look at, corn?
3. The line "two rebels without a cause" makes absolutely no sense within the context of the song.
4. Flipping a coin is possibly the SHITTIEST, most IMPOSSIBLE way to determine where in the United States to run away to.  How the heck are you to hope to land anywhere in the middle if you are only giving yourself 2 choices?  I mean, they could be judging it by the angle of rotation a certain point of interest on the coin face ends up at, but I don't think Jo Dee Messina would be singing this if she had the brains to think that one through.
5. WHICH CAROLINA?!?!1!!
6. That U-haul they're taking is going to be really expensive since I know they're going to have to pay for mileage.
7. "Modern day Moses'"?!  Seriously?  Somebody was desperate for a Bible reference to appeal to her fan-base.  Honestly, which people are you two saving...and from what, the American rednecks from their own stupidity?  Are you putting them in the U-haul?
8. Just say you're going to need a bathroom break every 100 miles.  You're a girl; we get it.  Cut the "stopping for gas" bullshit, just admit that you're a crappy co-pilot.
9. They are going to get lost if they only look at the map once every 24 hrs.  Maybe they spent that last 100 miles looking for a gas station?
10. When the hell did Greyhound come into the picture?  I thought you were taking a U-haul?
11. "Bad luck tailing us" turned this from a song with miniscule romantic connotations to sheer desperation.
12. Shouldn't it be "Heads Florida, Tails Washington" or "Heads Maine, Tails South California"?  I feel like that would cover more states/be more interesting.
13. Congrats on having a quarter, chica.  Maybe you should save up for a class on how to write lyrics because clearly, your career isn't making you enough to get to EITHER Carolina OR California.
14. Trying to rhyme "California" with "quarter" is quite possibly a bigger atrocity than attempting "bowl" with "cereal".
15. It is most certainly cheaper to fly.
16. Is Carolina a woman's name?  Are you seriously just trying to give some douchebag a convoluted ultimatum?  He's not going to understand it.

Damn, honey, you really are just a dime a dozen...or should I say a quarter? 


Time for me to check out!  Next week's Sanity Check subject will be BOXERS FOR MEN.