Sanity Check: Boxers and Leggings and Bodysuits, Oh My!

Greetings, fellow dweebs and dweeb-ettes.  Welcome to another Sanity Check! 

This week's subject: Boxers, leggings, and bodysuits, also known as "crimes to humanity".

Insanity:

Most men choose boxers because they believe it allows a greater range of motion for certain...areas.  Also, I feel like after you turn 10, the whole "Spiderman is on my crotch" thing fails to be cool anymore, so you have to prove your manhood by wearing those Calvin Kleins. 

Way back in 2007, leggings (and the rest of the '80s) came back with a spandexy vengeance.  (Tights are SUPER comfy, let me tell you.  It's like slipping your leg into a skin-tight cocoon of warm fuzzies and nostalgia.)  It started off with girls pairing mini skirts with leggings, then long tunics with leggings, and soon devolved to wearing nothing but a normally cropped shirt and substituting the leggings for pants.  Now instead of classic neutrals, leggings are being made to be patterned, bright colors, or simply color-blocked like this:

Well, at least you can tell if she's coming or going...

And then there was the bodysuit.  If you're unfamiliar, think of a one-piece bathing suit designed to look like a normal top, with snaps right where your fragile lower bits are.  Periodically, the "look" is "astightasyoucanstandwithoutsuffocating", and the bodysuit more than delivers that mildly asphyxiated appearance. 

Sanity Check:

Guys, boxers make absolutely no sense as a practical choice of underwear once you start wearing pants that actually fit you, and not like the guy in this picture. 

Once your pants actually start clinging to your ass a bit (or a lot for those weird hipster-folk), little to no belt assistance is needed, and the boxers have GOT to become a problem.  I cannot imagine how the hell they don't get to be an issue.  You're literally shoving a whole separate pair of shorts into a pair of pants that fit tighter than the boxers themselves.  HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?  So you've got two choices: let them bunch up around your legs uncomfortably and get worse visable underwear lines than our next subject, or spend 15 minutes tucking those bad boys in after every single time you take a shit.  So inconvenient.  I've had a conversation with a close guy friend about this issue, and he's claimed that letting them bunch up gives you some weird protection from the cold metal of your belt buckle.  I say deal with it.  I have to suffer through putting on a cold bra in the morning, you get to deal with the buckle.  He and I, however, both support wearing briefs for pants that fit. 

Ladies, leggings are NOT an acceptable substitute for pants.  If your shirt does not cover your ass, you cannot wear leggings with that shirt.  Even if the top DOES cover your butt, you need to be conscious of whether or not it's doing so at all times.  Oh, and make DAMN SURE that your leggings are opaque because we really don't need to discover that your underwear says "slippery when wet" every time you bend over.  Also, "Jeggings" are NOT an acceptable alternative.  If you don't follow what I'm going to arbitrarily dubb "The Cardinal Rules of Leggings", you will pay with public humiliation, but of the "talking behind your back" variety because we girls fight dirty.  Case and point:



Ladies, I absolutely positively DO NOT need to see this.

And now for the bodysuit.  Let's just put it this way...this thing is one step above the atrocity pictured at the right.  First of all, IMPOSSIBLE to wear a bra in these things. Completely and utterly impossible...unless you really want the world knowing just how thick your underwire is.  Also, bodysuits are a source of MAJOR frustration for me when I'm shopping online.  This is how the thought process usually goes: "Omg look at this shirt!  It's so cute and I want it sooooo badly *is ready to spend $40*.  WHAT THE FUCK, IT'S A BODY SUIT?!!  I will save my clitoris the trouble, thank you very much.  But that shirt was so cute.  Mother-fucker...*grumbles incoherently*"  If you really want a tight shirt, buy a tight shirt (what logic!) and just make sure it's long if you want to tuck it into low-rise pants.  If you are past the age of needing baby diapers, you should not be buttoning snaps on your crotch.  End of story. 

And there you have it.  Moral of the story?  Think about it before you put it on.  Really.  Do us all a fucking favor.

Next week's topic: One night stands. Yes, sometimes you smartypants university-type people get desperate and then not so smartypants-y. 

Tune in tomorrow for a new Inn Perspective! 

Until next time, dweebs <3