Reality's Bitch-Slap

Hello dweebs, and welcome to another installment of "The Pocket Protector".  Tonight, my hyper-cephalized friends, we are addressing the topic of being cut off for funding by your parentals.

Now, when I say being cut off, I'm don't mean that your parents aren't funding your weed problem anymore.  I mean that they've told you that they can no longer afford or are unwilling to pay for your education.  I'm also not saying that you must do nothing short of selling your grandma's ashes on Ebay to deserve being cut off.  Shit just happens.  Mom loses a job, dad gets into an accident, and suddenly that college fund of yours is being used for the mortgage and morphine drips at the hospital.  Too bad you can't get in on this action.  ...But wait a second, that money was yours, wasn't it?  Your parents are being complete and total dick-faces by denying you this money, right?  WRONG.  They are still housing you and feeding you and paying for your new Hollister hoodies and Chipotle burritos, so shut the fuck up.  It's their money.

Despite popular belief, the way to a college education is no longer riding on the parental money train.  With the job market and the economy the way it is, students are being forced to take out more loans, work multiple jobs and seek more aid than ever.  My honors professor has told me that the average debt a student graduates with is somewhere in the ballpark of $20k, which may be even more if you're paying for college alone.  Ouch.  Some of you may find yourself in this situation with time to spare, maybe a few months, but others will be like me--out of state with only one to two weeks to figure out how to come up with upwards of $10,000 to keep themselves in school.  So if you find yourself in this predicament, what do you do?

First and foremost, LIFE IS NOT OVER.  Even if you only have 2 weeks to figure that money issue out, there are options and things you can do to keep yourself in school, but you're going to have to accept the fact that you will need to be active about this process.  Once you're okay with the reality that the world is not, in fact, bursting into flames around you and that you will not end up cracked out in a street gutter if you do not attend school, you need to make a plan:

1. If you have ANY connections at the school, especially professors/advisers/department heads, you need to email them.  Do so when you're calm, or else this email is going to start sounding like "OMGZ I R3ALLY N33D m0ney$" to them.  Basically, this is how I envision this in my crazy little world.  Think of a highly civilized society in which everyone must wear monocles and top hats, and that only professors can dispense new ones at their discretion.  By some freak accident, you have been brutally bitch-slapped and mugged by a convict known only by his alias, "Reality".  Now, being a member of this society, you do not want to claw at the feet of these professors like a leper or anything, no no.  We want to eloquently say "Ee-gads!  My monocle and top hat have been stolen by a ghastly vandal!  My good man, would you be so kind as to help me restore my position in society as a logical, level-headed citizen, destined for amazing things like yourself?"  That's how that email should go down.  The proof that this works?  I was awarded $3,000 within 24 hrs of sending this email without having to do anything.

2. Start stalking Craigslist, Indeed.com, and your student employment website like a HAWK.  Seriously.  Don't limit yourself to only food/bev jobs or whatever you deem your ideal position.  If you need the money or want to go to school bad enough, you'll pretty much do anything within reason.  You may consider asking your profs if they would hire you as an aid as well.  Also, if you have friends with jobs, have them put a good word in for you.  Ladies, I should also mention that you should NEVER resort to being a "Sugar Baby".  Your mental and physical health are both things you should definitely be prioritizing above going to school.  I also know that all of you are capable of working a minimum wage job or babysitting instead.  Not only is being a Sugar Baby demeaning, but it's dangerous on so many levels.  Do what you need to stay in school, but be safe and reasonable about it.

3. Plan to stay on campus for the holidays.  If you get a job, most employers will pay double time to work on Christmas or other major holidays.  Also, if you can prove that your parents cannot claim responsibility for your life for more than 3 months of the calendar year, you can file as an independent on your taxes, which will help your next financial aid award.  Remember, FAFSA IS OUT TO SCREW YOU IN ANY WAY HUMANLY POSSIBLE.  My parents were in a really bad spot, and somehow my FAFSA decided they could give me upwards of $9000 per year when they could give me nothing.  The only way to avoid the consequences of this stupid government form is to a) pre-empt its stupidity and b) talk long and hard with your financial aid department about your options.  Most of the time, there is a "change of situation" form (I call it the "SNAFU" form) that you can fill out, which will adjust your award accordingly.  For example, I was just awarded a Pell Grant of $3200 after the adjustment.

4. Realize that your financial aid award includes monetary allocations for things like books, transportation, and the all-encompassing "personal" category.  Let's be honest, those plane rides, expensive non-returnable loose-leaf text books, and condoms/beer come out of your own pocket.  How much money do you need to find now, knowing that?  For me, that changed my needed funding from $31k to $18k.

5. Also realize that you could potentially save upwards of $6000 simply by getting your ass out of the dorms.  At my school, living in the dorms is approximately $800 per month!  Yes, it includes a meal plan, but seriously, guys...dorm food ain't exactly pâté and crackers with a sprinkle of white truffles.  

<---This is disgusting, and what you have to look forward to for 27 weeks straight on a meal plan.  (We will discuss cooking for yourself on a budget in future entries.)  So instead of worrying about what's crawling between your toes in those communal showers, potentially walking in on your roommate masturbating to pterodactyl pr0n, and sharing a space that may or may not be the same size of your bedroom at home, get an apartment, pronto.  If you're not picky, you can find one in less than a week.  I know I did.  Look for something economical.  You're trying to keep yourself in school, not live like a millionaire. 

Worst comes to worst,  you can always sell your soul and get a private loan.  Just be aware of those interest rates and fine print.  In the end, if everything still doesn't work out, I have this advice for you:

 Remember, there is more than one path to a degree.  I know that sitcoms and magazines and all that main-stream crap has told you over and over again to get it done in one shot.  I know you want to fit in and have something to talk to your friends about.  I get it...but sometimes it's just not the way that life works.  You could get your graduation requirements done at a community college, maybe even just save and work for a year.  If you're pre-med like me, go get certified as an EMT or CNA and get work experience out of the way!  As long as you are being pro-active about your education and career goals, no one will be able to talk shit about you being a slacker.  And if they do, fuck them.  Seriously. 

So what have we learned?  If life gives you lemons, find a way to sell them back for about $15,000.