The Field Guide: People geriatrici

Greetings, fellow smarty-pants university-type peoples!

Welcome to the newest installment of The Field Guide, your handy scientific classification resource to the Humana kingdom.  This anthropology student has been away for a week-long cultural immersion adventure in San Francisco among a forever-growing tribe.  It is my hope that this brief overview of their cultural history will suffice for novices who wish to correctly identify their fellow members of Humana.  They are called "senior citizens" or "retirees" to the politically correct, "old farts" to the cynical, and "grandma and grandpa" to the family-inclined: we're talking about People geriatrici today, my friends.  Let's get out-dated.

Did you take the picture yet?  WHAT??  WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Kingdom: Humana

Phylum: Totihabitus

Class: Omniregionalis

Order: Morphagenii

Family: Retireae

Genus: People

Species: geriatrici

Evolutionary History:

The origin of People geriatrici has roots embedded in time since the dawn of modern man (P. normalis).  As normalis aged, solar UV radiation altered the methylation patters of its genome and  weakened hydrogen-bonding among guanine and cytosine pairs in DNA sequences, resulting in differential genome expression and multiple SNP (single nucleotide polymorphism) mutations.  By the time the effects of this solar radiation have taken their toll, the genome of geriatrici becomes so far from that of normalis that most scientists consider them to be a new species, which is where their place alongside obscenely young retirees (Frankie Muniz) and bratty teenagers in the Morphagenii order comes from.  (This, however, has been a hotly debated subject due to strong opposition from classical Darwinian evolutionary biologists who argue that because this clade cannot reproduce, they cannot be counted as a viable species.)  Due to their frail nature--both physically and mentally--this species' numbers tended to dwindle as chronic and epidemic disease swept through People habitats.

Nevertheless, with the advent of modern technology and medical practices, old farts have been able to keep getting older without the immediate side-effects of that whole dying business.  The number of retirees has continued to grow due to the consequences of what is known colloquially as the "Baby Boom", which was an event the 1950s involving an unfortunate aerospace infantile training accident that inexplicably turned explosive due to harsh diaper rash.  The launch capsule was situated at exactly 31.4159 degrees from the sun, making the water particles in each bodily fragment reflect sunlight and its harmful radiation towards the Earth.  This resulted in mass-exposure to harmful UV rays, and thus accelerated morphogenesis/mutation, since no one really believed in the power of SPF 60+ back then.

Physical Characteristics:

• Epidermal infoldings on all bodily surfaces due to the physical interaction of epithelial DNA "recoiling" at the sight of the sun.  
• Extra limbs made of aluminum or some other light metal, often with tennis balls or a rubber pad stuck on the bottom.  Members of the Humana kingdom may know these new adopted appendages as "canes" or "walkers".
• Metallic or mineral-based female peacocking characteristics.  Most female members of P. geriatrici tend to think of themselves as higher members of society and feel they must express this elevated status by constantly wearing every single piece of jewelry they own.
• Hunchback, Quasimodo style
• Small stature...so Quasimodo-style but also Frodo-status.
• Strange odor due to out-gassings of slowly crisping and disintegrating somatic cells undergoing radiation-triggered apoptosis.  In male members, this stench has been called "old man funk" and is similar to a mixture of Bengay, old war stories, and cheap scotch.  In females, the olfactory experience has been compared to baby powder, stale perfume, and wrinkle cream.

It really, really does.

Behavioral Characteristics: 

• People geriatrici often exhibit a behavioral phenomenon known as "hermiting", which is shared alongside members of the Unstabelandus order.  When an old fart hermits, it locks itself indoors and avoids sunlight or extensive travel at all costs.  Scientists have speculated that the physical recoiling of their epithelial DNA results in the activation of chemoreceptors that result in enzyme cascades to trigger body-wide pain receptors.
• Gimping, limping, or shuffling.
• Extremely lowered or heightened libido.  There really is no middle-ground to this.  Ovaries may be either dry as house plants in a desert that are not waiting to be watered, or they shall get so thirsty that female members assume what is known as "C-Phase" or "Cougar-Phase".  Healthy members of P. normalis and Universitus studentae should be aware that despite the inability to mate, geriatrici may try to insight courting behavior.  When males enter C-Phase, they become known classically as "creepers", as they sneak up on their potential mates and shower them with compliments laced with an awkwardly overt sexual tinge.
• Crankiness when nap-time is missed.

Distribution and Habitat:

Like all members of Totihabitus and Omniregionalis, old farts are found across THE ENTIRE PLANET.  Well, anywhere that's remotely habitable anyway.  They do, however, tend to concentrate in areas with temperate climates (Florida, Southern California, Hawaii, etc.), as their thermo-regulatory proteins have ceased to function.  A sure sign of People geriatrici is a sudden influx of Bingo halls, bowling alleys, golf courses, medical supply stores and/or hospitals in any given area.  Common dwelling features include plastic furniture covers, velvet paintings, completely out-dated technology, pictures EVERYWHERE of the youth that they lost, and/or creepy figurines.  However, do be cautious, for most old farts are highly territorial about their property (i.e. "YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!").  If you see something like this:

Just in case one needs to make a mind-numbingly slow escape...

Or this...

P. geriatrici often need to be toilet-trained again and use the same
"potty-seats" as one Jamis Handus.

Do try to make a hasty retreat, for a retiree is certainly near.  Actually...it doesn't have to be that hasty since they move about 6 inches for each 30 seconds of conscious directional movement.  You know what, nevermind.  Just walk away.  I mean, this is like a snail versus a cheetah for god-sakes.  Hell, you could crawl away if you want.

...Or mouth something like "Those pants really bring out your frog-butt" with an extremely concerned face, and watch hilarity ensue.

Next subject: Matrimonus desperati (the desperate housewife)

Until next time, dweebs <3