The Field Guide: Canvasser greenpaecius

Greetings to all of my hyper-cephalized companions!

The Pocket Protector is officially BACK from its arduous trek across the molten lava fields of academia, and stronger than ever!  I might have totally woken up in a flurry of empty latte cups, goldfish crumbs, and torn up flash-cards, but I am happy to say that I'm blogging again.

Today as students retreat back into their holes or visit family abroad, they can take pleasure in knowing that they are less likely, by virtue of being off-campus, to run into this week's Field Guide subject.  It has a gawky smile constantly plastered on its face even though it suffers from extreme anxiety disorders and Napoleon complexes, preys on those who make eye contact, and holds a board of doom and despair on which it records the names of its victims.  This monster, dear readers, is not necessarily a single species but a whole genus known as Canvasser, but for brevity, we shall focus on one Canvasser greenpaecius, as it is the most violent and most commonly found member of the genus in existence.  These organisms are known colloquially as "street canvassers" or "scary clipboard people".

Hi!  Do you have a quick second for me to guilt you out of $50 every month?

Classifcation

Kingdom: Humana

Phylum: Capitalista

Class: Urbanidae

Order: Quotafundus

Family: Nonprofita

Genus: Canvasser

Species: greenpaecius

Evolutionary History:

About 500,000 years ago, during the Grassroots Epoch, a great famine spread across the plains of the Urbanidae prideland, corrupting the groundwater and killing all of the monetary resources that its ecosystems' primary consumers utilize for energy.  The pestilence lasted longer than any member of the Urbanidae class expected, placing immense selection pressure on all species involved: many floundered. However, a strange adaptation occurred within the Quotafundus order.  Forced to feed on human rights and other ethical values instead of national currency, the gastric pH of Quotafundus became gradually more alkaline over time, allowing it to continue to feed on this supplementary diet and place less stress on the limited reserves of monetary resources.  Thus, Nonprofita split off from the rest of the Quotafundus order.  Of course, human rights don't exactly come easily out of the ground.  Some of Nonprofita found that they had easier times pulling these ethical improvements from the soil: others discovered talents in convincing other members of Urbanidae to dig the rights out of the ground, and so the Canvasser genus was born.  Because Canvasser has tightly knit social groups, it experiences highly selective assortative mating, and thus speciates according to organizational goals.

Physical Characteristics:

This cape development leads scientists to believe that Canvasser greenpaecius may be learning how to fly.

• Clan T-shirt with large label on front and/or back so that other members of its social group may recognize potential mates and stay far away from those of other cliques.
• Gawky smile plastered all over its face.
• Board of doom permanently attached to its palm.  Little is known about the board of doom, but recent studies have shown that current evolutionary progress has somehow transformed the clipboard into a binder for some social circles of Canvasser.  Also, trace chemical testing of locations on which the boards have sat have revealed toxic chemicals that may promote Humana altruism.  
• Stays permanently in its 20s.  A deletion of the OLDFRT12 gene prevents Canvasser from displaying the physical signs of aging, although it experiences them internally.  Cosmetic companies have been known to poach Canvassers in the hopes of somehow replicating this "fountain of youth".  When asked to comment on this subject for The Field Guide, Cover Girl CEO Kathleen Vander Snoot said she was busy developing a creme that would prevent sagging tits.  I did not push the subject.



He's actually 80 years old.  That cup he's holding is full of meds.

• Mystery bag of mystery.  Canvasser is often confused with Frequenta transitus because it, too, carries a mystery bag.  No one knows what is inside, but it has been speculated that Canvasser greenpaecius gives each of its species a book to put inside of the bag, containing strategies for gradual world domination and how to be obnoxious as possible.  It has also been hypothesized that the bag is outfitted with special audio technology that emits a frequency outside the audible sound range for the rest of Humana.  This specific frequency supposedly interacts with the Brownian motion of water molecules in the brain and promotes hormonal signaling that increases curiosity for all those around.  This may help explain why people still talk to Canvasser and become its victims, for Canvasser is seemingly unaffected by these frequencies.  

Distribution and Habitat:
Scary clipboard people typically frequent areas where the highest amounts of the Humana kingdom congregate.  These areas may include recreation centers, malls, libraries, or post offices.  The favorite habitat for street canvassers, though, is a university campus, as Universitus studentae is an easy target because it is directly funded by wealthy members of the Capitalista society like Corporatus executiva.  C. greenpaecius and other members of its genus NEVER work alone, so they often travel in pairs or in a small group for safety.  Thus, if one member is spotted, odds are there are more somewhere within a 1 block radius.

Behavioral Characteristics:

You will sign this.  IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.

• Extreme anxiety disorders due to the need to make quota every day.  Some organizations have a low weekly average to meet of around $100, while others require at least $250.  The constant pressure of needing to meet this average in order to harvest the amount of human rights Canvasser needs to survive is enough to give every single member immense anxiety within 1 week.
• Aggressive social tactics due to the above.  C. greenpaecius and other scary clipboard people may accuse people who refuse to donate or those who simply walk away of not caring.  Most of the time, members of Humana who do pass really do not care.  Street canvassers refuse to believe this.
• Patterned speech.  Each clade of scary clipboard people has a distinct mating call, which they call a "rap".  To test if someone belongs to their organization or supports it, a canvasser will immediately go into its rap the second it makes eye contact and minimal verbal social niceties with a member of Humana.  This is slightly problematic, though, because even if someone chooses to walk away, members of Canvasser may be prone to follow the individual until he/she donates out of fear or irritation.
• Highly territorial.  Street canvassers are aware that monetary resources to fund the digging up of human rights and ethical values are scarce.  Thus, territory---or "turf"---is at a premium.  If two clades somehow come into conflict, both groups may face extinction, since each member's survival depends on its ability to make quota.
• Incredibly friendly.  Don't be fooled, though, it's an ingenious mechanism to lure in its prey!

Avoiding Attack:

The best way to avoid attack is simply to circumvent the scary clipboard person.  Either that, or look down so that eye contact is impossible.  Much like bus people, one can avoid a member of Canvasser if one has headphones in because it eliminates the chance of social communication.  Also, if one somehow finds themselves having an interaction with the dreaded C. greenpaecius or other member of its genus, go ahead and listen.  Do take caution, though.  Street canvassers will offer you their board of doom so that you may "see what they're all about".  Whatever you do, DO NOT TOUCH THE CLIPBOARD.  Direct contact with the toxins on its surface will lead to extreme guilt and ultimately result in the loss of vital monetary resources.  If you touch the clipboard, THERE IS NO GOING BACK.  Instead, if you like their organization, quickly hand them a cash anonymous donation towards their quota and walk swiftly away so that they may not tail you for your information.  This is the only safe way to interact with this genus.




Until next time, dweebs <3