I remember what my first movie experience was like. Specifically, I recall the line that stretched out the theater door and around the block, hiding in my mom's shoulder when the stampede almost killed Simba, and being near tears when Mufasa died. Uh-huh...I was one of those lucky fuckers who got to see Lion King when it was in theaters. That's right, bitches: be envious of the scintillating glory that was my childhood. Movies were pretty much the best thing ever, and a more economical choice (never thought I'd be saying that) than blowing a bunch of money on clothes whilst shopping. Believe it or not, in Colorado--Land of Nothing To Do---your choice is shopping or a movie. I always went for the cinematic adventure, knowing wonders would await me as soon as I stepped foot in that theater. Film was a way for me to escape reality, a means for something in that Podunk town to actually be exciting for once. It gave my friends and I a topic to talk about at school, an activity to do on dates other than making-out from sheer boredom, and a way to evade the 100-degree scorching Colorado sun.
And then I went to college and saw my childhood explode into a billion flaming popcorn pieces before my eyes.
DUMBLEDORE IS GAY?!!1!
You see, a certain level of childhood ignorance makes movies AWESOME. Hell yeah, animals can talk and sing to me! Those little eggs in the grass are baby fairies! And you KNOW that the letter from Hogwarts is going to be coming the second the clock strikes midnight on your 12th birthday (or whatever it is). I miss those days of accepting pretty much any premise based solely on my desire to enjoy the movie.
No longer...My newly acquired knowledge, the fact that I'm cultured, and my intense ability to analyze things has made the cinematic experience a continuous disappointment, and I have three examples to prove it.
My Neighbor Totoro
This movie was one of my all-time favorites as a kid. I'm pretty sure I went through a 6-month phase in which I was absolutely CONVINCED that I was the older sister in this. For those who haven't seen it, the movie is about two girls and their dad who move out into the country-side to be closer to the hospital their mom is being treated for cancer in. They're really sweet girls, and their dad makes Atticus Finch look like Jeffrey Dahmer. Thank you to the two of you who understood and chuckled at that reference. While there, the girls discover and befriend a spirit named Totoro, who helps the girls cope with their mom being ill and looks after them. Pretty much THE most adorable movie ever.
Then I go to college and someone tells me what it's really about, thus ruining some of the best moments of my childhood. Turns out a "Totoro" is a spirit of death in Japanese culture and this movie actually tells the story of the RAPE and MURDER of these two little girls. I go and watch this thing again, and all I can see is the foreshadowing and death/decay/sexual symbolism. I still haven't figured out who the murderer-rapist is, but I have a theory that it's the dad, which RUINS EVERYTHING. My inner 7 year old is rolling on the ground in tears right now. Dad's taking the kids out into the country where no one can witness anything, fails to recognize that his youngest daughter (not old enough to go to school) has been missing for 6.5 hours, leaves his kids at home alone with an old woman he barely knows, and then there are the god-damned flowers.
The day May (the youngest) goes missing, she gives yellow flowers to her dad, telling him "Okay you be the flower shop". Innocent, cute, right? WRONG. Flowers typically represent the womb, yellow the color of death and decay, and there's no way in hell I would put it past Miyazaki to be that deep.
Regardless, I still want whatever candy or food is being had in this movie.
Planet of the Apes: Rise of the Apes
I just saw the prequel to the Planet of the Apes empire last week. I gotta say, James Franco does a really good job. My whole issue with this movie is how legitimate they try to make all of it sound. It's like they're almost using the "science" behind this as an excuse. I was impressed when Franco was talking about the microbiology of it and pulled up a Jmol model of a few proteins with beta-sheet and alpha-helix domains. I was also impressed when he was talking about viral exposure promoting neurogenesis--a term he actually used.
But here's my problem with it...no one consulted a primatologist for this movie. By the time Cesar is done with his "evolution", he's completely mastered bipedal locomotion although he's still exhibiting the typical chimpanzee gate pattern (more like a waddle). Unfortunately, the way that the primate skeleton is constructed, the location of the center of mass does not allow forwalking upright for extended periods of time. Not only that, but there is NO WAY simple neurogenesis would allow the formation of fine muscle skills in the face or change the dentition such that speech would be possible. No fucking way. ALSO, the orangutan is a solitary animal. Even if it was penned up in a cage with a bunch of other monkeys, it's not a social creature simply due to its size. The shot at the end with like 4 male orangutans (why only male??) in the tree would never happen, as they are too large to support on one tree at once.
Besides all the nerdity...when the heck does Cesar actually eat? Or any of the apes for that matter? They're making spears out of shit and rolling cars and setting things on fire and whatever. All that brain power and physical activity would wipe them out after a few hours. And yes, I know I know they're just trying to tie it in with the rest of the series, which started way back when blah blah blah. I get it. But apes cannot be made to talk simply by making their brains bigger. Not the way it works.
Jurassic Park
Oh Jurassic Park, again, another movie from my childhood. This thing also seems to be the film shown the most in middle and high school classrooms. It tells of using preserved dinosaur DNA to create a clone, essentially, which is grown in Ostrich eggs. Okay, somewhat feasible.
Aww it's so cute...cute in that "love you forever and kill you in your sleep" kind of way.
...Then you go to college, take the 200-level introductory biology series, and none of it makes any sense anymore. Firstly, the structure of the blood cells would have decomposed by the time the scientists had found the amber with the mosquito inside of it. Secondly, who's to say that the blood would still be liquid by the time the amber was found?
WHAT AM I?!
Thirdly, the DNA strand cartoon in the movie on the "ride" looks nothing like the double-helix...in fact, it looks more like an amino acid chain before folding, if anything. Fourthly, isn't amber with insects trapped inside of the stone REALLY RARE or something? Also, the resources needed to keep these dinosaurs alive is astronomical. Any native species on that island would be driven out completely by Jurassic Park's invasive ancient species, thus fucking up the entire ecosystem.
All of this is really nit-picky, but I've gotta say that my biggest issue with Jurassic Park is how they filled a huge, gaping plot-hole. Somehow, all of the genetically engineered female dinosaurs start reproducing in the wild. It's literally such a huge hole that it may have been the source of the dino extinction. This plot-hole opened up and swallowed the damn T-Rex whole---nom nom nom. Anyway, they explain this away by pointing out that the dinosaur genome was incomplete when they harvested it from the mosquitoes (a valid point), so they took FROG DNA and just spliced it in.
Whaaaa??!! 0_o
Talk about "playing God"...
So we arbitrarily picked random frog DNA sequences and shoved 'em in? What we're talking about is taking a blue-print for a house and copying and pasting portions of a shopping mall in all willy-nilly. What should have been a storage closet is now a Pottery Barn, congrats. The way they explain the whole dino gender-bending dealio is this: some African frogs change sexes in order to balance the population. What? So not only that, but the creators assume that ALL frogs are capable of this. WTF, mate. The ENTIRE movie, the main character is going on and on about how dinosaurs are closer to birds, so WHY DIDN'T YOU USE OSTRICH DNA?! It *still* wouldn't make sense, but it would be a little tiny bit more logical. Also, with all this splicing going on, there's no way we would end up with a pure dinosaur clone. No way in hell. Even if, by some evil genius miracle (I can't say divine here), we got a perfect clone, it wouldn't last more than a few months. We have these things on our chromosomes called "telomeres"--stay with me here--and they get shorter and shorter with every cell division. Our cells divide from the moment of conception onward, so if a clone's telomeres are short to begin with, it will not last long, as errors in mitosis will begin to reveal the signs of aging. This is why Dolly the Sheep didn't do so hot. So if this billionaire with a Scottish/Irish/English/Can'tmakeuphisfuckingmind accent wants to keep up this shindig, he's going to have to keep pouring money into the mining and cloning of these dinosaurs. Economically insane. No way. No how. End of story.
The Conclusion:
Once you have a college education, movies that try to use science to make things seem more legitimate to be more frightening are really unimpressive if they don't want to do their research.
The alternative to such bullshit? Either stay ignorant or only choose to see films made by writers and directors who clearly know their facts. I, for one, am SO excited for the film Contagion.
I've been doing research on the Influenza Pandemic of 1918, and the filmmakers have made this seem like a legitimate modern take on it. The plot is relevant AND incredibly realistic, which personally makes this story absolutely terrifying.
So there you have it. May your inner nerd smile upon your next cinematic adventure. Sorry if I've ruined anyone's childhood.
Then I go to college and someone tells me what it's really about, thus ruining some of the best moments of my childhood. Turns out a "Totoro" is a spirit of death in Japanese culture and this movie actually tells the story of the RAPE and MURDER of these two little girls. I go and watch this thing again, and all I can see is the foreshadowing and death/decay/sexual symbolism. I still haven't figured out who the murderer-rapist is, but I have a theory that it's the dad, which RUINS EVERYTHING. My inner 7 year old is rolling on the ground in tears right now. Dad's taking the kids out into the country where no one can witness anything, fails to recognize that his youngest daughter (not old enough to go to school) has been missing for 6.5 hours, leaves his kids at home alone with an old woman he barely knows, and then there are the god-damned flowers.
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