The Field Guide: Universitus studentae anatomia

Greetings, adventurers!

As we rejoice the resurrection of our merry little blog, we will also rejoice SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY.  During my ventures in the world of nerdiness, pocket protectors, beakers, and textbooks, I have discovered that my own species (Universitus studentae) has a distinct subspecies, or tribe, if you will.  I joined this elite group of individuals last winter.  I'd like to let you into my world, dear readers, and tell you about my kind.  Today, we venture not into what is foreign, but what is familiar.  We're talking about what are colloquially known as "Janicites" or "soldiers of Lapsansky's Army"; welcome to the world of Universitus studentae anatomia, the anatomy and physiology student:

The head-bone's connected to the superior articulating facets
of the first cervical vertebra via the occipital condyles...

Classification

Kingdom: Humana

Phylum: Totihabitus

Class: Omniregionalis

Order: Knowitalensis

Family: Padawanean

Genus: Universitus

Species: studentae

Subspecies: anatomia

Evolutionary History:

"OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD..."

Long ago, anatomia was not considered a subspecies of the Universitus genus at all.  In fact, these organisms were more commonly grouped in the Unstabelandous order, under the Criminata family, and were considered to hold a place among serial killers, cannibals, and that one lady who killed someone over an order of McNuggets.  During the times of the pharaohs in ancient Egypt, speciation occurred amongst the Humana kingdom once more.  You remember that scene from The Mummy when a scarab went all ape-shit and had a hunger that nothing but human flesh could satisfy and found itself a warm little man-flesh den in the forearm of that one completely disposable character?  Same situation in Egypt way back when, and just as rare.  Friends of these scarab people were rightfully concerned about a creepy crawly scaling capillary beds towards the heart and wanted to remove them, ideally without also killing their companions, since that would kind of just maybe defeat the purpose.  To outsiders, though, the operations that are now detailed on the famous surgery scrolls appeared to be brutal, slow and tortuous murders.  These would-be heroes were promptly arrested an executed for their crimes.  Gradually, however, as brain capacity and nervous signaling increased due to less sand in folds of the prefrontal cortex, the entirety of Humana began to recognize that anatomia had an obsession with learning how the body works.  As the Rennaisance reared it's beautiful, nerdy-pants head and Leonardo Da Vinci was busy selling out to the masses, anatomy and physiology became legitimate sciences.  And the most awesome ones.  I mean, using science as an excuse to end up elbow deep in someone's chest cavity is totally legit, right?

Welcome to the lair of Lapsanskion...

Nowadays, members of Universitus studentae take the first step to enter the Anatomia tribe by surrendering their social life in ritual sacrifice to their god Lapsanskion, known to live amongst actin filaments within the cytoplasm of eukaryotic cells.  Many have tried to enter the tribe without this sacred offering, but have suffered the intense academic psychosis and paranoia that consequentially follows this heresy.  The obligatory right of passage into this very selective tribe comes when Lapsanskion tests her followers in a grueling, 1-2 hour mind-fuck fest of multiple-multiple-choice, true/false, essays, and short answer questions meant to twist the very fabric of a pilgrim's cortical regions.  Very few prospective members pass this first divine test, but all exit with knowledge of the mysterious, mischievous ways of Lapsanskion.

Physical Characteristics:  Soldiers of Lapsansky's Army are incredibly hard to distinguish from the rest of the university student population from a solely morphological standpoint.  They are hipsters, they are geeks, they are jocks, and they are seemingly normal.  To the untrained eye, anatomia might appear as any other member of a certain academic focus would, with the exception of perhaps physics, engineering, and/or computer science majors.  It is only when one looks closely that one may observe the beautiful markings of this rare, endangered species:

• Red puffy eyes from endless nights without sleep, anxiety, mental/emotional abuse, and night terrors of lab check-offs and muscle matching quizzes.  Very hard to distinguish from seasonal allergies during spring quarter.
• Seemingly empty backpacks that weigh up to 40 pounds due to a single textbook.
• Permanently attached headphones so that lectures may be listened to 24/7 and continually dilated pupils from increased caffeine intake.
• Hunched stature, a la People geriatrici, secondary to the above.  This ends up being beneficial for anatomia, as many many hours are spent studying the cryptic messages, known as "histology" amongst the tribe, from their divine oracles and best friends, "compound microscopes". 
• Many exams and quizzes with sub-standard scores due to attempting to cram an entire textbook's contents into one's head for a test.

Distribution and Habitat:
As with all members of Totihabitus and Omniregionalis, this subspecies of the university student is found wherever there are universities.  You may also find them curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth, whimpering something about "neuroglia types" in dark corners of dormitories.

Behavioral Characteristics:

^^The pubic symphysis

Self-Touching: Yes, this is exactly what it sounds like.  In their quest to memorize the vast expanses of bodily processes, certain reflex arcs are created within the spinal cords of the anatomia subspecies.  Cortical activity, involving the processing of anatomy term visual stimulation, excites descending pathways to motor neurons that cause stimulation of correlating regions.  To everyone else, it just looks like we're feeling ourselves up.  It's like an adult version of that game you play with little kids..."point to your nose and point to your mouth..." except it's more like "point to the posterior superior iliac spine".  Our favorite prank is "now where is your pubic symphysis?"
Flash-card hoarding: Many Janicites utilize flash-cards as a means to meet the memory demands of their holy deity.  Often times, this results in flash-card stacks many inches tall, usually with a paragraph of text on the "answer" side.  A marked feature of leaving the tribe is a sudden influx of hundreds of used index cards in an organism's material waste.

Hyper-Specificity: Followers of the great Lapsanskion tend to create their own Latin-based language based on her divine teachings.  They feel the need to integrate as much of this language as possible into their daily life.  Only at a party full of anatomy students will you ever hear someone exclaim "MY ISCHIAL TUBEROSITY!!" when they have just been kicked in the ass.
"Bible"-Making: Janicites take their devotion to their deity of bodily structure and function very seriously, some might say to extremes.  Soon after the first holy test of her followers, Universitus studentae anatomia discovers that her words are the key to salvation and spend their days transcribing everything she ever says into bound works of art, Bibles if you will, that hold the omniscient, all-powerful Word of Janice.

Leaving the Tribe
The most difficult task for any member of anatomia is leaving the tribe once they've entered.  You see, dear readers, joining Lapsanky's Army does something to a group of individuals: it brings them closer to each other while simultaneously distancing them completely from the rest of humanity.  Many anthropologists have described Lapsanskion's devotees as being as close to a cult as humanly possible.  The psychological effects of membership in the tribe are long-lasting and permeate every facet of life, even after one is no longer studying human anatomy and physiology.  Tree branches look like neural networks.  Rebar is skeletal muscle filaments.  That splatter of hair gel in the sink looks remarkably like a multipolar neuron.  Bones is suddenly no longer entertaining, but more irritating because of how inacurrate it really is.  And THIS:

That upsets you because the pelvis is CLEARLY articulated in the anterior view, but the feet are viewed posteriorly, the femurs are missing the greater trochanters, and there IS NO muscle that runs the length of and covers the anterior border of the tibia.  CRIMENY. 

But damn, son, take a look at that acetabulum.

Next week's subject: Pabst amorus, typically known as the common hipster.

Until next time, dweebs <3